Posts Tagged With: self-love

Teenaged Angst: 31 Years Later

Yes, another therapy post. You can pass on by if you want.

We were discussing relationships, and she asked me a somewhat off the wall question, at least from my perspective. I can’t exactly remember the question, but it was essentially one where she wanted to know if there was any specific memory that seemed to be associated with what I was feeling.

It took me straight to Homecoming of my senior year in high school.  Now, you have to understand a few things about my high school. It was a boarding school, and I was what could be called a “scholarship student.” I worked as a dishwasher at least both my junior and senior years, and my parents got loans either from family or from the church body that owned and ran the school (yes, it was a religious boarding school owned and run by a very conservative, evangelical Lutheran synod). We were not allowed dances, but that doesn’t mean we didn’t have those “special days.” It just meant that it was more about speeches and awards than about having some — hopefully — semi-clean fun. We had a joke about it (that I told my therapist) that we weren’t allowed to have sex because “it would lead to dancing.” Also, since it was the 80s, and most of the huge anti-hazing laws had yet to be created, there was a form of hazing for incoming freshmen. Anything (short of illegal or against the rules) that an upperclassman (juniors and seniors) told them to do, they were supposed to do.

I was, for a good portion of my high school years, the almost asexual, advice-giving friend. My senior year, I decided to take a risk. I asked an older freshman that I had been hanging out with to go to Homecoming with me.  I wasn’t expecting some huge romantic relationship, just having an escort for my last Homecoming of my high school career.

He stood me up.

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Categories: Mental Retraining, Relationships | Tags: , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Romance: for the sake of love

 

I have quite a number of hang-ups about my romantic relationships. Frankly, enough to put a few therapist’s children through college.

And, no, it isn’t about my ex — other than to be yet another clue about why I stuck around so long.

It comes down to a fear of being alone.  But it is a very specific kind of being alone: only romantic loneliness.

As an ambivert, there are times when I need to be alone, and times I need to be around people.  And I’m good with that.  I don’t have a lot of fear about friends and family.

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Categories: Relationships | Tags: , , , , , | 2 Comments

Then Again, Maybe Not

I wrote about self-flagellation, and how much I am working on trying to re-train that part of me that is so harshly self-critical.  And, I guess I’m not as far along as I thought. I can still be proud that I didn’t go automatically into that spiral.

But, it’s still hard not to look at it and say: ‘you’re such a dumbass! you know that, don’t you?’

Sometimes my passion for what I consider to be the “right thing” I forget to take into account how it will not only affect other people, but in what ways it will affect me or mine.  And, while being persistent to fight for that “right thing” is good, it can also send you off in a different direction than you thought you were going.  And sometimes, you take that step too far because the passion is pushing you.

And, if I think about that, perhaps that’s exactly why my younger self tried to turn off all of those chaotic emotions, like passion.  Not just sexual passion, but the sheer vivacity of life.  Maybe I just got sick of taking that step too far, or was too afraid to let go of control and take a risk that I couldn’t predict where it would take me.

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Categories: Mental Retraining | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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