Posts Tagged With: responsibility

Defining Your Terms

While I’m not quite as bad as my Grammar-Nazi sister, there are some frustrations that pop up once in a while.  Plus, I seem to be getting reminders in the last few months that using the correct terms — especially with your mental and physical health care personnel — is extremely important.

My frustrations with other people’s misuse of idioms include the following cringe-worthy items:

  • “For intensive purposes” — No, that would be “for all INTENTS AND purposes”
  • “Extract revenge” — “EXACT revenge”
  • “Part and partial” — “part and PARCEL
  • “By in large” — “by AND large”
  • “Case and point” — “case IN point”
  • “Orientate” — “ORIENT” (the noun form — orientation — does NOT get translated into orientate! The correct verb form is ORIENT). The same issue seems to happen with the noun form of conversation — No, the verb form is NOT conversating. It is CONVERSING

But, that’s a bunny trail. The real issue is that too often we seem to be forgetting that just because a descriptive word or phrase makes sense to us, it rarely means the exact thing to someone else.  Remember my discussion on connotation versus denotation? (links to definitions, if you didn’t read the previous post)

I had a recent interaction with someone where I was repeatedly required to ask how they were defining their terms.  Sadly, their idea of “defining their terms” was to repeat the word or phrase with the inclusion of a generalized adjective (such as “very” or “extremely”). This is NOT defining your terms. In fact, it isn’t even communicating.

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Categories: Mental Retraining | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Alright, Out of the Gene Pool!!

I don’t care either way about this whole “Pokeman Go” thing.  If it gets kids off their butts, hey good.  But, the company has been responsible.  Every time the game starts, it gives a reminder to pay attention to your surroundings.

Yet, when a teen playing it gets hurt the parent blames the game.

Look, there have been people out in parks (because not all those playing the game are kids) refusing to leave when those parks close for the night.  There have been people playing the game in and around police precincts.

There have been people literally not giving a shit that they might be in danger, expecting everyone else to take care of them rather than them taking care of themselves and being responsible.

Essentially these people are making themselves candidates for the Darwin Awards.

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Categories: Mental Retraining | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Living By Your Own Standards

I’ve always said that I have a higher standard of expectation for myself than I have had for anyone else around me.  But, sitting here, I have to wonder if even the lesser standards I have for others aren’t sometimes expecting too much of people.

When I had nights like this while I was still married and would try to talk about them with my ex, eventually every one of those discussions ended up with him calling me a mutant — because nobody else in the world thinks or acts the way I do.

I don’t agree quite as much with that sentiment.

But, with some of the lessons learned over the last two years, especially on the subject of relationships, I have to wonder sometimes if how I was raised was so completely different than the supposed norm for humanity.

Take the subject of relationships.  Yes, I’m fully aware as a polyamorous person I am already in a category that is not the “norm.” Except, I have lived my life with a staunchly monogamous family.  My model for relationships is my parents, who will be celebrating their 56th wedding anniversary this August. Regardless of the style of the relationship, they taught me to communicate with my partner.  They taught me that a fight isn’t the end of a relationship, even if things were said that were later regretted – although amends and a visible attempt at not repeating the mistake are expected (and given). I learned that just because someone looks appreciatively at another person of their partner’s gender, or makes comments to that effect, does not mean that they are lusting after that person.  Hell, as an artist I have an appreciation for the human female form, but I feel no romantic attraction to those of my own gender.

I learned that insecurity is a fact of life, but that expecting your partner(s) to change so that you feel somehow “less insecure” is an impossible request.  If you are insecure, the issue is inside yourself so any changes that someone external to you makes will have no real, lasting effect on your feelings of insecurity/security.  You will always have just “one more tiny change” that they have to make for you to be happy.

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Categories: Non-Monogamy, Relationships | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

“What Will Other People Think?”

I’ve always hated that question.  When it comes to the random stranger on the street or the unwashed masses of humanity, I really don’t give a tinker’s damn what the average Joe Schmoe thinks about me.

But, as I continue to heal, to recover, and to try to grow I begin to realize that I have sadly still taken that particular worry as something important.  But, I’ve limited it only to those I love, care and/or respect.

And, sadly, if one of those people want to find a way to control me, well….that particular issue seems to be one that I am far too susceptible to.

This is not a post bitching about how “my parents are to blame for everything,” nor is it a post about how much of an asshole my ex is/was.  This is about finding yet another broken spot, and cleaning it out and hopefully healing it.

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Sticks and Stones

I don’t know whether parents routinely tell their kids the old saw of “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”

I know my generation was raised with it.  All the old lies that kept us in our place, kept us outcasts to the world, kept us fearful and easily controlled.

Things like:

  • “That boy is picking on you because he likes you.”
  • “If you ignore the bully, he’ll just get bored and go away.”
  • “They’re only picking on you because they’re jealous.”
  • “Gossip can’t hurt you.”
  • “I won’t be your friend if you hang out with xxxxxx” (emotional blackmail)

Or worse, being told you can’t express your anger, fear or any other so-called negative emotions, because any expression of those emotions means you’re just manipulating your peers.

I love this song, because it does point out that these issues are real.  That words can cause real damage.  Look into the history of someone who harms themselves (particularly the females, as 24.3% of females self-harm, and only 8.4% of males), and you will often find someone who is punishing themselves for a perceived inability to be “good enough.”  Also, you will find it just as much in popular girls as in so-called ordinary ones, unlike with boys – those who self-harm who are male tend to do it because they are outcasts, and thereby doing things like breaking their hand pounding a wall gets them attention).

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Categories: Mental Retraining, Relationships | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Domestic Gender Norms

PLEASE NOTE: These norms are generalized.  Other cultures may have other norms, but it is worth it to look at the disparity of responsibility in the home.

The subject of “domestic life” keep coming up in discussions of gender inequities.  In general, most of the supposed “domestic duties” are done by the female (or in same gender relationships, the more subordinate person).  And the supposed “non-domestic duties” are done by the male (or more dominant person).  It’s hard to talk about this in a generalized fashion without going too overboard and not being able to communicate what is important – but I’m going to try.

ANOTHER NOTE:  I’m not talking about the concept of dominant and submissive roles, just that there is a dichotomy of more active/passive roles inside a relationship.  Again, this is not a comment that all women (or men who are somehow deemed effeminate) are supposedly passive and all men (or women who are somehow deemed masculine) are supposedly active.

Any way you look at it, there always seems to be one (or in multiple poly relationships in one home, sometimes more than one) person who gets stuck with the lion’s share of the domestic work.  And the other person (or people) in the relationship seem to think if they do one or two chores around the house that somehow they are doing “an equal amount of work” because they’re ALSO working a full time job.

Well, guess what – in this day and age, EVERYONE in a household has to work.  And if there is ONE person who does not work (whether it be stay-at-home parent or otherwise), it is sadly expected that that person does the majority of the chores.  I myself have taken advantage of this kind of situation, so I’m not just shaking my finger at other people – we ALL have to change this attitude.

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Categories: Gender Inequities | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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