I’ve started and stopped this post repeatedly over the last few weeks. I can only describe this particular difficulty with posting as the writing equivalent to avoiding someone’s eyes. As I stated in March 1’s post, this relates directly to the same reasons I was physically incapable of controlling my eye contact with my therapist when we pinpointed a particularly painful memory.
The basics of the memory are described in that post. However, since my therapy session, a few other experiences kept poking at that same set of emotions, choices and actions. This repetition is what caused the epiphany. And, like many such revelations, it hit like a Mack truck.
It’s been so hard to face that epiphany that I have had anxiety attacks just about looking closer at it or dealing with the understanding. I’ve been having to focus on things that deal entirely with mathematics, even though my ability to do so has been seriously retarded by my cognitive issues. Dealing with pure equations — even though it takes me at least 10x as long (in fact, almost 70% of the last two weeks has been spent creating a completely math-based set of data collection for my physical and mental health). Before my breakdown, the data collection set up for simple data entry would have taken at most 8 hours).
March has been a significant month for me this year. There have been a lot of insights and/or epiphanies that I have had both during therapy and outside of therapy. Things that have rocked the foundation of my personality. How I perceived things that I believed with all of my being, that may or may not have been based in real, objective reality rather in my own subjective world.
The thing is, that is a normal experience for any human if they are honest with themselves and are truly attempting to be the best variation of themselves that they can be. But, it requires an honesty with one’s Self that few people are actually willing to do.
It’s far easier to blame other people for the things that are wrong in your life. That way, you can tell yourself that you have neither control of the situation nor that you are just as responsible for its continuation.
For example, as the person who primarily was responsible for the financial end of things while I was married, it was quite easy for my ex to blame our financial situation on me. That way he didn’t have to take responsibility for the fact that he often manipulated me into paying for things we just didn’t have the income to support. I would rob Peter to pay Paul, simply to keep the peace at home. Now, obviously, I bear accountability for not looking him straight in the eyes and telling him, “we don’t have the ability to do that.” But as a fully matured adult, he bore the same responsibility to deny himself instant gratification for things he wanted so that we had the money for things we actually needed as a family.
No situation is ever truly clearly delineated, particularly in interpersonal ones.
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