There is a lot of discussion of resiliency among people in therapy. Why? Probably because they’ve heard their therapist say something about it, and to quote Inigo Montoya (Princess Bride) “You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”
There are people who use this word to describe people in other classes. For some, the actions and choices of the rich define what they think resilience is. On the other hand, there are quite a few professionals (not necessarily all involved in psychology) using the word as a goal for the poor, because if they can “just be resilient” then life will be all unicorns, rainbows and butterflies.
Guess what, people? It ain’t that way in the real world.
- There are resilient and not-so-resilient people in all economic classes. Neither your economic status nor your relative financial success/failure defines your ability to be resilient.
- To quote the American Psychological Association (APA) Psychology Help Center’s brochure on “The Road To Resilience” resilience is defined as:
“Resilience is the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats or significant sources of stress — such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems or workplace and financial stressors. It means ‘bouncing back’ from difficult experiences.”
Let me say this loudly:
The ability to persist
As much as I rarely experience jealousy (which for me is an emotion that says “Me ONLY”), I fairly often feel the pangs of envy (again, for me, comes down too an emotion of “Me TOO”).
Looking at it psychologically, while jealousy and envy are similar, they are not exactly the same no matter how many dictionaries attempt to make them synonyms. Their denotation is very similar, but their connotations have a wildly dissimilar emotional impact. Jealousy stems from a place of insecurity, convincing yourself that you just aren’t worthy enough or deserving enough of having whatever it is you are jealous about. Whereas, envy stems from feelings of inferiority. Insecurity is anxiety and nervousness based on your own doubts and fears about yourself. Inferiority, on the other hand, is a pathologically distorted perception of yourself in comparison to others.
It’s sometimes hard not to make comparisons in our lives, particularly if you define yourself as a “have not.” I try not to define myself as a “have not,” but I find myself looking at others sometimes as a matter of: “If they can have it, why can’t I?”
And, particularly with someone in my life that I have always looked at with envy, it is often a habit that is difficult to stop. I’ll freely admit that a part of the emotion I have always felt for my sister has included envy. And it isn’t because she’s spent a goodly portion of her adult life living quite a bit above the poverty level.
I had two little brothers. One was by blood, and one was adopted. They were within a year of each other in age, but their life experiences were very, very different.
But, I’ve always loved them both as …. just like in the advertisement above … my brothers.
I was 8 years older than one, and 9 years older than the other. So, there were some very major differences in the kind of love I had for them, and the love they had for me.
I will admit, the adopted one struggled with his life. His experience before coming to us was, shall we simply say less than sweetness and light. There were good parts, it wasn’t completely bad – but it was bad enough. There was a lot to work through for a very, very young boy.
Categories: Mental Retraining, Relationships
Tags: abuse, boundaries, broken boundaries, choices, compassion, family, integrity, loyalty, self-respect, unconditional love
Today was Easter Sunday for Christians. It’s actually one of the few religious holidays for them that is based on the lunar calendar in addition to the solar calendar. It is movable because it is figured as the Sunday (Sabbath) after the first full moon (lunar calendar) on or after the Vernal Equinox (solar calendar). That means all holidays relating to Easter between the end of Epiphany and the end of the “season of Easter” (which include Ash Wednesday, Lent [46 days long starting on Ash Wednesday, but in the count of 40 for the time Jesus spent in seclusion in the desert they don’t count the Sundays – and the date changes based on when Easter is going to be], Palm Sunday, Holy Week [Monday through Friday of the week between Palm Sunday and Easter, with Maundy Thursday and Good Friday being particularly special, as Thursday is considered the day of the Last Supper, and the night in Gethsemane; and Friday considered the actual day of the Crucifixion], Easter, the Ascension of Jesus [40th day after Easter], and Pentecost [50th day after Easter]).
The Wiccan calendar celebrates this fertility holiday on the Vernal Equinox itself, which this year happened on March 20 at 4:30 am (last week Sunday, being Palm Sunday for some variants of Christianity). But since that computed date is located at Greenwich, you have to pay attention to your time zone in relation to that date/time (so, in my location, that actual moment was on March 19, at 11:30 pm CDT). The Equinox is based on the exact moment that the Sun crosses the equator, whereas the Solstices are the zenith of the Sun’s travel in the summer (for the Northern Hemisphere, opposite for the Southern Hemisphere) and the nadir in the winter (same situation as previous).