My Life As It Is

Sorry it has been so long, ladies and gentlemen. But my health takes first priority to everything else. Self-care has not been my forte, but I’m working hard to make it so.

It’s not the obvious rapists or misogynists that scare me. Why? Because I know how to fight that kind of obvious violence and hatred.

It’s the charmers, the manipulators — the true women-haters who turn a woman’s strength against herself. And this kind of person isn’t just some men. It’s often exactly how society has programmed both men and women. Yes, women can be this kind of perpetrator, and men can be victims too.

Many of us — myself included — give pieces of ourselves away because that’s what someone who is in love does. In the beginning, it’s only little pieces. It’s not that someone else is violently ripping apart our souls, it’s that we offer them up to be devoured.

No matter how much we give, it is never enough. The gaping void inside these people demand larger and larger pieces of our souls until we have nothing left to give.

But, we’re taught that if we just love enough, give enough — eventually we will fill that gaping void and prove yet again that “love conquers all.”

Look around you. How many hollow husks are dying right in front of you? How many of them refuse to acknowledge that they have absolutely nothing left — but they still find some piece of themselves to feed to the ravening beast?

Most of us deny there is even a problem. We don’t want to face the fact that someone else has taken away our very selves. We deny that we are empty. We turn away — sometimes violently — those who offer support for us to free ourselves.

Because THAT, my dears, is what has to happen.

It’s easy for someone outside the situation to see exactly how bad the situation really is. I can’t tell you how many people I threw out of my life because they tried to get me to see exactly what was going on. People whose only sin was caring about me and wanting to see me happy.

But every time I threw someone out of my life for trying to show me that truth, I got positive reinforcement (both from myself and from him) that made it so much easier to hide the truth from myself.

I’ve finally got to a point where I have forgiven myself for everything. While I have said before that I forgive him his choices, I realize now I haven’t. And I probably won’t ever forgive him. I know people say that you need to forgive the other person in order to not poison yourself or the new person you have become.

I firmly believe that people repeat this because it seems easier to forgive someone else than forgive yourself for the poor choices you made that got you into the mess in the first place and kept you there continuing to feed the beast. It’s far more difficult to look deep inside yourself and really see how your own perspective on who you are is utterly broken. It’s seemingly a Sisyphean task to dig out those parts of you that make you a target for these people. So many people are unwilling to take a step back from themselves and objectively assess if they really need whatever defenses let those people inside their heads.

I’ve been forced to stand back and take a view of myself, weighing the assorted rubble of my mental and emotional life against Ma’at’s feather of truth.

I’m sure I haven’t found everything yet. But the point is to do the work itself not search for every pulverized piece of your past. You are not rebuilding, you are creating an entirely new Self. Hopefully, a new Self that is better and healthier than what it was before.

Locked in my mind
Under my skin
I buried every trace
All that is lost
I’ll never regain
And I cannot replace

Was it me who denied
How twisted truth became
Was it you who just smiled
While I was falling

Every thought
Every word
I just believed it
Never a doubt
Not even a sign
That I was losing all

With every breath
With every move
This maze becomes so real
Imprisoned and lost
Enchanted and fooled
By things I’ll never feel

Where’s the start
Where’s the end
When lies begin to play
No escape from this land
And no salvation

Release me,
Why I’m still spinning around
Inside your mind…

Forget me

Every thought
Every word
I just believed it
Lost in your smile
Drowned in your eyes
I couldn’t feel it

Torn and insane
Confounded and blind
I found my way to live
Soon you will learn
What I’ve become
And I will not forgive

Every thought
Every word
I just believed it
Lost in your smile
Drowned in your eyes
I couldn’t feel it

Torn and insane
SConfounded and blind
I found my way to live
Soon you will learn
What I’ve become
And I will not forgive

And I will not forgive

Categories: Mental Retraining | Tags: , | Leave a comment

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