And You Wonder Why We Live In Fear


There is sadly a truism about dating in this over-connected world.  There is always a seeming level of disconnect between the types of communication that are available to us. Someone you might enjoy the company of in person can become someone entirely different when texting or emailing.

Plus, we women have to make a risk assessment any time we physically meet someone we’ve only just met on the Internet. It’s actually something we have to do any time we’re out with someone – even someone we may have known for a while.

Men complain that we don’t trust them. That we assume the worst of them before they’ve even gotten a chance.

As girls, we’re taught that men and boys only want one thing — to have sex with us. So before we’ve even started dating, we’re already set up to be afraid — whether it is on a conscious level or not. Then, we’re taught to dress in a certain way, act in a certain way or any of hundreds of other little criticisms about our behavior that eventually mean that if a man or boy actually attacks us sexuality, we are already set up to believe that the problem is with us, that we somehow provoked the attack by how we dressed or how we acted.  Rarely, until more recently, was it ever stated clearly in many public discussions that perhaps the rapist is the problem, not us.

But what I am finding in this round of dating (having been married for decades and only dating within the polyamorous community), is that more often than not if you disagree with a man you might have just started dating or tell them something they don’t want to hear, suddenly the issue becomes YOU.  There are threats of bodily violence. There are threats of destroying you emotionally.

Guys talk about the “crazy chicks” out there. They have all sorts of stories about the crazy ex-girlfriend or ex-wife.  But, if you bring up these experiences with psycho men, suddenly it is YOU that is the problem.  If you didn’t argue with him, he wouldn’t have gotten angry. If you weren’t trying to be yourself but who he wanted you to be, you wouldn’t have gotten hit. It comes down not to the fact that it is the man who is having an unrealistic response, but that you as a woman are always suspect as the source of the problem.


I WILL call you on your behavior. I WILL report your behavior to the correct authorities. I WILL stand up for myself, no matter how many people say that I somehow provoked the attacks.

You want me not to have to do a risk assessment every time I (or any other woman) walk out of my own house? Then you had better start looking at your own behavior. You better start looking at your best friend’s behavior. You better start holding yourself and your friends to a far higher and more rational standard. You had better start teaching your sons that sex, relationships and other interactions with the female gender do not mean that they are OWED anything simply by the virtue of having a penis.

Categories: body autonomy, Feminism, inequity | Tags: , , , , | 2 Comments

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2 thoughts on “And You Wonder Why We Live In Fear

  1. This is a very important subject. We as woman seem to subject ourselves to this behavior from men because of low esteem and the need to be accepted by them. We do not want to be considered those crazy chicks from their past, because at one point the thought was they just do not understand this man the way that we do.

    But in fact their is a reason that they may have become the crazy chick just because they stood up for themselves and will no longer accept his nonsense.

    • While I agree with you whole-heartedly, I MUST add a caveat.

      This is NOT to say that there are not NOT “crazy” women in the world. I have seen too much destruction done by women who think that men are just wallets on legs; women who are so jealous and possessive that the men in their lives fear to even talk with their female siblings because the “crazy” just isn’t worth it; or worse.

      There are so many things that our culture has destroyed in the average person&rsqou;s brain. We — men included — are taught from an early age not to trust the other gender. Worse, many women are told not only to distrust men but are also socialized to distrust other women. Because of this, things like obsessive possessiveness and unfounded jealousy are somehow considered to be a “positive” and “healthy” emotion in a relationship. And not just in heterosexual relationships either, as I have seen the same behavior in many LGBTQ individuals and relationships.

      There is so much about our culture that is diseased. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever be different. But, I have to hope that we will get there eventually.

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