Dreams and Realities

I find it interesting that as my recovery continues, that my musical tastes evolve.

It’s not that I lose interest in my previously loved music, just that in many ways one can almost chart my emotional recovery by the differences in my musical tastes.

When I was still living with my ex, more often than not I listened to a lot of what is called “bubblegum dance.” Bands like Aqua and Toy-Box were my favorites.   And because I rarely spent money on myself, my Gothic tendencies were the Geek Goth Additionally, I was well on my way to denying all of my dreams (not that they have ever been even close to being numerous).

Now that I’m no longer in that situation, and focusing primarily on my mental and physical health (rather than sacrificing me for everyone else) I have moved from bubblegum to “angry pop” (i.e. Taylor Swift, Katy Perry, Kelly Clarkson – break up songs, empowerment songs, and such) to grungy heavy metal and finally to symphonic metal/cinematic metal and classical crossover music.

If you think about it, the more perky or peppy music was necessary when I was literally killing myself with sacrifice.  I needed that external happiness because I had little of it for myself. Then, as I moved through facing reality that I was destroying myself, the angry pop kept me from completely wallowing in depression or anxiety.  It reminded me that I was worth far more than I had previously allowed myself.

But as I am becoming who I want to be, I am loving more experimental and darker themes.  For example, the above band (Amaranthe), is touted as “melodic death metal.” Or Dark Sarah whose work spans multiple genres such as symphonic metal, Gothic metal or cinematic metal. Or even Nightwish (who was my original interest in metal), who are considered also symphonic metal.

As for my Gothic leanings, I am also doing my own thing.  If I have to describe myself on the Gothic stereotype spectrum I would define myself as a combination of the Victorian, the Gothabilly, the Cabaret Goth and the Steampunk Goth. The more I learn about sewing, I can use my artistic talents to also design my own clothing (a dream I have had for a long time).

As for my dreams? I’m slowly recovering them.  My dreams of traveling the world are now free to be followed (as soon as I have the money to actually do so) – because I am no longer with someone who hated to travel, or have any major change of his territory. My dreams of being an artist are being fulfilled, because it is now the only thing I can do.  With that last, I would say the Universe brought out the adamantine i-beam to tell me I needed to focus on art.

So, yes, like the video above, this is the time to chase my desires.  I’ve spent too long denying them.

And as Nightwish says, I am making every endless form most beautiful!!

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Categories: mental health, Mental Retraining | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

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