Getting Tripped Up

When you have Google basic command prompt commands perhaps it is time to admit that your memory issue goes back further than just the last 2 years.

I learned back when it was MS-DOS, and tended to use that instead of Windows 3.1. Then transferred knowledge over to UNIX/LINUX commands. Windows, no matter how much else has changed, still uses a lot of the old MS-DOS commands.

I was good enough with the assorted different DOS types, and the commands, to get a 2-week gig with a major bank conglomerate, working on their DOS batch files that updated the changes in currency fluctuation. And completed the project in record time.

I’ve still used those commands off and on through the years. Often enough that the basic commands like renaming a file, listing a directory, deleting files, etc were always right there for me to use.

I remembered how to change a directory, but I had to actually look up how to list one or rename a file or some of the other basic commands.

The more information that pops up as having been lost due to this memory issue really gripes my ass. Maybe it doesn’t seem like important information to someone else, but it’s kind of the same issue with how my IQ has been reduced.

My IQ has dropped to “average” territory (with at least one part being “low average”). Maybe that doesn’t seem important, since by the bell curve, most of humanity lives just fine with their IQ in that area.

But, think about it. I’ve not been in that area for most of my life. Basic cognitive tasks that I used to breeze through with no problems, now take me anywhere from three times as long to TEN times as long.  And things I have used every day at least for the last decade of my marriage, are now almost impossible to remember.

Basic HTML has even become a challenge.  I have a cheat-sheet I created to be able to do HTML and CSS on these blog posts, in order to write them in less time so I don’t spend all bloody day writing a post. And let me tell you, for someone who was an expert at Wordperfect back in the 80s (and used “reveal codes” all the time as a default), HTML is not exactly rocket science. Now, of course, once Microsoft actually got Word to a reasonable level of usability it took over the market, so I had to become a Microsoft Office expert.

I’m not even sure that I would test as even a beginner in Microsoft Office anymore.  And I regularly tested as being able to be an instructor in almost all of Microsoft Office programs (except for Access, actually).

I do understand that for most people, this probably is a non-issue.  That I ’s am no different than most of humanity. And I should be happy with being “average.” Tell me, if you are using any recent cell phone and are old enough to remember the old car phones from the late 80s – would you be willing to go back to using them instead of what you have now?  Or not even going back that far – would you be willing to use the phone you had in 2000?

That’s the problem I’m having.  Instead of a relatively new phone (one that you have just finally gotten used to all of the new features), I’m being forced to use a cell phone made in the 1990s.

A lot of people are telling me the equivalent of “hey…at least you have a phone.”  Yes, I feel blessed that I’m not a catatonic vegetable.  And NO, I am NOT saying that someone who is  “average” or even “low average” is mentally disabled.  I don’t care what your natural IQ is, as long as you use your mind to the best of YOUR ability.  And that is where my issue comes in.  The best of MY ability has always been higher than it is right now.  I keep trying to do things that should not be difficult for me because they have NEVER been in the past and I’m finding it far more challenging than they should be.  And things that were challenging in the past?  Those are now beyond my ability.

The good news is, with time and recovery and therapy, I can get back most of it.  But, because it is related to depression and anxiety, who knows how long it will take me to do that.  If I have any hope of working in my industry again (web design/development), I hope it comes back sooner rather than later.  But I can’t control that.  I can’t say that all I need to do is X and Y, and Z will happen. Hell, I can’t even promise myself that it WILL get better.  I have a good probability that it will, and I am working hard to see it happen.  But, even after talking to pretty much almost all of my doctors and other medical or psychological health providers, no one can promise me that I will even get half of it back.  And I have to learn to be OK with that.

Just like any other major physical or mental health issue, there is a certain amount of grieving going on.  In some ways, I’m kind of stuck in the anger step.  In others, I’m stuck in the depression step (some of those are related to my physical pain issues…which I am working on rehabilitating).  I’m even still trying for some bargaining.  I think there’s only a few places where I have finally hit acceptance, and I just have to focus on getting all of the parts there.

Categories: mental health | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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