A few nights ago, I had one of those nights when I just hit a bump in the road. It’s a recurring feeling like I’m a burden, like I’m useless and never destined for anything but obscurity and poverty. Logically, I’m quite well aware that this kind of thing is only a depressive episode and that it will pass soon enough. (Yes, I know, for some people it’s not “just” or “only” — but this is how I personally deal with my own chronic depression. I remind myself that it is temporary, and no decision is so urgent that I need to make it in the depths of a depressive episode. Your tools and your choices are your own, this is one of the tools I use).
I saw a note on one of the blogs I look at because they have chosen to follow my little blog. They were celebrating the anniversary of starting their blog. So, I started looking through my site statistics to try to remember when I started this one. But, I got sidetracked.
As a side-note, the day this blog got started was June 27, 2015 making it slightly over 1 year old.
You see, I don’t really look at statistics. That’s not really what I’m writing the blog for. I’m writing this blog for a number of different reasons.
One of those reasons is the chronic depression. Getting out my emotions in blog form allows me to step back from it, and get an outside view of the situation. It allows me to be more objective, and ends the process of the never-ending hamster wheel in my head.
Another reason is, unsurprisingly, a soap-box upon which I can speak out about the issues that mean most to me. Some of them have a basis in past mental issues or past experiences, while others are simply a part of my core personality. In many cases, the latter are parts of my personality that people have attempted to silence, dismiss as “mutant” or even kill inside me.
Like John Barrowman (albeit, I prefer the Marti Webb version), I am what I am. And after a lifetime of suppressing and hiding what I am, I choose to live transparently. This blog helps me to do it.
But, what really got to me was that not only do I have followers that aren’t my friends, I seem to have a global audience as well! I feel quite humbled by that information.
I’ve always wanted to travel the world. And while I still haven’t been able to afford to do so, the fact that my words have perhaps helped someone else on the other side of the planet fills me with wonder.
So, thank you, all of you!