The Other Side of “Silly”

I do have to admit, many of my choices for a silly pick-me-up tend to be rom-coms. Not that it is at all a surprise, given my long-term love of fairy tales, legends and myths.  Even if you go back to the older – more dark and scary – versions of many of the fairy tales in the world, you still have stories in which good always overcomes evil.  And often, the reward for the hero or heroine of the story is to “live happily ever after” which at least for modernized versions of the story usually means that the hero/heroine finds “true love.”

Just as an aside, most of those stories while involving the “happily ever after” rarely if ever actually come out and say (particularly if it is a male hero) that they are in love.  Essentially, with most of the stories where it is a hero, the local princess or whomever is simply given to the hero regardless of their own feelings.

But it’s essentially what we are told by society.  If you work hard, do your best to be virtuous and pure, and have compassion for others, why then you will not only be rich but you’ll also have this perfect love who will be absolutely everything you ever needed or wanted.

And it is a myth that has been slowly killing people on a daily basis.

Why do I say that? No, it’s not because the man I married was not what I thought he was. I knew what I was walking into.  But, I expected far too much of myself.  I expected myself to save him from himself. I expected “love would conquer all.”

At the final analysis, I failed myself.  But, I failed myself far earlier in the relationship than at the end.  I failed myself even before we got married.  I failed myself by thinking I could save anyone except myself.

Most people would say that I was led astray by those very same fairy tales that I love so much.  The problem is, what the rest of our society thinks about fairy tales is not actually true.  The cleaned-up, spit-shined Disney versions of fairy tales are rarely actually true to the story.

The best example I could look at is “The Little Mermaid.” Hans Christian Anderson’s version did not end the way that Disney envisioned it.  No, actually, in the original, the mermaid gave up her chance at love, because the prince didn’t love her – he loved someone else.  And, being a mermaid, not only died but was completely obliterated (the story says so, because fairy beings have no soul – so she therefore just dissolved into sea foam). Yes, it is harsh.  But, like so many other fairy tales, it had a moral lesson to teach.  That lesson is sometimes for the happiness of the person you love, you must sacrifice all.

In many of the original versions of Cinderella, the step-sisters and step-mother are either blinded by birds or completely eaten by them.

In other stories, horrifying trials must be endured.  Girls who are not only forced into an incestuous marriage, but raped by their own family. Women who must be totally silent for 7 years, while they make – by hand – shirts for their brothers, from the plant stinging nettle (including picking the plants and making the threads from it – meaning their hands were damaged and chemical burns, while they cannot let ANY sound out of their lips.

The thing is, it is very difficult for any heterosexual woman (I have no experience as anything else, so I have no clue if other women have the same concept) to not want to be somehow “swept away by the prince of their dreams.”

The reality is, I actually have a prince who “saved me.” He’s not rich, he’s not perfect, and I have no illusions that he is my “one true love.”

That is not to say that what he and I have isn’t real, nor to say that it isn’t “true love.” It’s simply that I don’t believe in the whole concept of “one and only true love.” But I don’t live with him, and I can’t (even if I did live with him or near him) see him every day.  And, that is one of the things I miss about being married.  The knowledge that someone is there – day in and day out.

I will admit, sometimes that amount of “togetherness” often ends up causing issues as well.  It’s too easy to take that person (or those persons) for granted. It’s too easy to choose not to continue to work on the relationship, to make it less of a priority because it has become routine.

I think maybe that was one of the actual reasons I put up with the unhealthy relationship for so long.  I was used to the routine. I took for granted that this was what I wanted, what I needed to be.  He may have stopped working at the relationship a long time ago, but so did I eventually.  Of course, I had stopped working on myself as well – which is just as bad.  My relationship with myself got stale and routine.

To be truthful, yes, I would like another man in my life.  One who I can see every day, even if only for a short time.  Having another man in my life would not make me miss my man any less.  There is too much passion, too much truth, too much of a relationship for me to ever want to give him up. And I will not date any man who insists I must break it off with him.

I’ve pretty much given up on online dating sites. I’m bluntly honest in my profiles.  Yet, I keep getting messages from these men who clearly are looking for a “one and ONLY one” type of relationship. Of course, some of these men are also claiming to look for a “height and weight proportionate” woman (clue brick here for anyone who doesn’t know what that is.  That means they want thin woman).  Even with photos, and a profile that says I am unabashedly large, and an advocate for body acceptance at ANY size, I still get these idiots. Plus, there’s also those idiots who only are looking for a “easy lay.”

I may be sex positive, and I may be open to casual sex, but I am NOT going to trust my body and my health to someone randomly picked off of a website.  First off, I have absolutely no idea if the person behind the other computer is some serial killer or some other type of crazed idiot.  And secondly (and more importantly) I have NO interest in getting an STD. It never ceases to amaze me that in this day and age any person would be irresponsible enough not only to not care about their own health, but also would knowingly give someone else a disease.

The final point?  I’m in no way desperate to find another man.  It would be nice, but I’m not going out of my way to search for one.  If there is another man in my future, great.  If not, I am perfectly fine as I am.  I have love, I have friends, and I have art. And I have a great family.


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Categories: Non-Monogamy, Relationships | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

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