I’ve always seen myself as being more dark than light. It’s not about being emo, or dangerous or even mysterious. It’s about the relative safety that the dark provides.
If you look at many of the mythologies of the world, you will find a distinct difference between how the Sun (and with it the Light) is viewed in desert or wasteland, versus those places that have what is laughingly called “the full four seasons” (i.e. places where winter means snow and below 0° F temperatures). In places where snow and ice are prevalent, the God or Goddess relating to the Sun tends to be more benevolent. For example, the Norse’s Goddess of the Sun is named Sunna, who is – strangely enough for such a harsh population – quite sweet and loving. The Irish Áine is less sweet, but the Irish tend to have Goddesses who can take care of themselves. But She’s still the Goddess of the Sun and fertility.
But in places like Egypt, you have a number of different deities, many of which while they have a softer side, are often more likely to be harsh. Sekhmet is one of the harsher forms of the Sun. Yes, they also had Ra (who was so paranoid and jealous of his powers that he refused to give Isis his “true name” thereby making him vulnerable to her. There are other versions of the myth that say that Isis poisoned him in order to make him need healing, and would only do so if Ra revealed his true name). Ra has been associated with Aten, Ammon, and Atum and with Horus, who eventually replaced him.
To bring it back around to Jung, I’ve rarely appreciated the light. To me, for most of my life it has been harsh and unforgiving. The light, to me, was pain and vulnerability. Being completely transparent – as I am trying to be and have been doing so for the last two years – meant I could be destroyed by something seemingly small and harmless, like the legend of Baldr.
But, that also meant that I feared things like embarrassment, judgement or anything else that could reasonably be involved in a loss of reputation. When you’ve abandoned your own self-worth, those things can be devastating to you. You lack a structure upon which you can evaluate the truth of such judgement. You lack a foundation that allows you to stand up and say, “No more. I deserve more.”
The fact that I am a night owl, and have developed insomnia, just always seemed to fit in with that fear of exposure.
I’m coming to terms with the softer side of the Sun. But, as I do so, I also have to face the harsh light of it. I have to be willing to open up and let the Sun into all of those dark and dusty corners. I have to be willing to let the Light burn away some of those old, outdated and outmoded ways of thinking and feeling. I have to use the Light to show myself where my foundation is not only cracked, but where some of its parts have completely been destroyed.
Change doesn’t ever come without pain. Birth and rebirth aren’t all birds chirping and rainbows over flying unicorns. Birth is bloody and painful, but at the end of it is worth all that work and pain.
So, yes, I’ve been dealing with pain. Dealing with the emotions I’ve repressed for so long. But, I am also allowing my soul to grow and become something new.