The last few weeks have been an emotional roller-coaster that somewhat mimics this art. It’s hard to be able to write when my emotions are so chaotic that I can barely set two words together. Some of it has been body health issues, some financial, some relationship perception issues (MINE – not someone else’s) and a whole lot of self-pity.
It’s that last that disgusts me the most. Yes, I know I’m being hard on myself. But, the reality is, I am in a situation right now that — in relation to the last 30-40 years (yes, I’m including life before the ex) — is pretty freaking multiple-hundreds of times better than it has ever been.
I’m loved: by family, by friends and by a wonderful man. I’m able to look at myself and see not only a person that I respect, but who has made some serious progress in developing a self-worth that does not depend on how much I give to other people. I’m, finally, being able to deal with the many physical ailments that have been developing over the last 30 years, but had to be ignored. My relationships are, and my perceptions of them, are being reinvented in ways that I never expected.
In short, my life is fairly good right now, even with some of the challenges.
I know that I’m allowed to feel sad. I’m allowed to feel angry. I’m allowed to be insecure. I’m also allowed to pity myself, just not wallow in it. And that is more what it has felt like. It’s felt like I’ve been wallowing in the self-pity like a pig in the mud.
Thing is, when a pig wallows in the mud, he’s doing it for a purpose. Pigs wallow as a way to regulate their temperature, and to protect from sunburn.
Wallowing in self-pity, on the other hand, is more about finding ways to ignore or repress emotional pain. And sadly, it’s an activity that I have been attempting to break. It’s feeling bad, knowing what is causing it, and not really wanting to face or deal with that pain. It could be simply because there’s no current opportunity to deal with the pain. That there are other things that do really require your attention and focus.
But then again, I have never really been good at having compassion on myself and allowing myself to experience the emotions completely. Even now, I let them go to a certain level, but never complete.
So, it starts to turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. My life is shit because I’ve focused so much energy on it being shitty, that I make choices that make it worse.
And it’s something I need to focus on and change, so that my life can continue to get better.