Looking Back…

Fallen (lyrics) – Sarah McLachlan

Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I’ve tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up
in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much
more than I could bear

Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen
I have sunk so low
I’ve messed up better
I should know
So don’t come ’round here
And tell me I told you so

We all begin with good intent
Love was raw and young
We believed that
we could change ourselves
The past can be undone

But we carry on our backs the burden
time always reveals
In the lonely light of morning
In the wound that
would not heal
It’s the bitter taste of losing
everything, I’ve held so dear

I’ve fallen
I have sunk so low
I’ve messed up better
I should know
So don’t come ’round here
And tell me I told you so

Heaven bent to take my hand
I have nowhere left to turn
I’ve lost those
I thought were friends
To everyone I know

Oh, they turned
their heads embarrassed
Pretend that they don’t see
But it’s one missed step,
one slip before you know it
And there doesn’t seem
a way to be redeemed

Though I’ve tried, I’ve fallen
I have sunk so low
I’ve messed up better
I should know
So don’t come ’round here
And tell me I told you so

Looking back at the last two years, the time since I left my ex-husband, I can see and appreciate how far I’ve come. I’ll admit, while in the middle of it, the progress towards being healthy in both mind and body seems to be minuscule at best.

But, in hindsight, I can see exactly the changes. Sarah’s song “Fallen” describes exactly how I felt in the first months both before and after I asked for the divorce.  I felt that I was completely and totally to blame for the whole situation.  I felt that the entire responsibility for the marriage failing was on my shoulders alone.  And I thank my boyfriend for his persistence, reminding me that the failure of any relationship is NEVER one-sided.  In fact, to his mind, the failure of my marriage was not 50/50, but more like 85/15.  I disagree only because I know damned well that if I had done some things differently, the outcome may have been different.  For me, it’s about 60/40 (weighted toward him).

But, those choices are a product of who I was when I first married him.  They were habits of thought and behavior that only now I see how unhealthy and arrogant many of them were.

The reality is that either the marriage would have ended sooner, or we might have been able to make it work.  I had damned near porous boundaries, an over-developed sense of duty and responsibility, and a blind arrogance and gullibility that “love conquers all.”

That doesn’t absolve him of his responsibility to be an adult in the relationship.

This isn’t about him, actually.  This is about being finally able to acknowledge that while the journey still stretches out to infinity ahead of me, I am making progress.  I can only barely see my beginning point on the horizon behind me, and don’t yet see the sunrise of the end of this journey.  But, I know even as I get closer, that sunrise isn’t the end of it all.  A new destination and a new journey will present itself.

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Categories: Mental Retraining | Tags: , , , , | Leave a comment

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