Monthly Archives: April 2016

Leaving an Outlet Even While Poor

via Why Art Matters, Even in Poverty

I’ll admit, I didn’t take this woman’s path for the last 20 years.  Oh, I allowed myself SOME creative outlets.  But it was more hobby, more “crafting,” than true art – which has always been my love.  It wasn’t until I went back to school to get my web design degree, in the hopes of getting a job that would actually pay me enough to get us OUT of poverty, that I actually began to have that old art itch again after having abandoned it for so long.

Yes, I basically wasted 20+ years of simply practicing my art, because of a snit against my mother AND because of the opinions of my ex (that matched my own, “if I can’t be the best RIGHT NOW, why should I even try?”) I would have been so much better than I am right now.  And perhaps I would be doing traditional media painting, and not just digital.

He didn’t discourage me specifically from art though. He simply repeatedly told me I was a better non-fiction writer than a fiction one.  And he considered my non-fiction writing, such as things like this (or blogging on LiveJournal «private blog there is now deleted» or on Facebook «which was the platform I used before I realized I was writing posts FAR too long for that format») to be formal, pedantic and boring.

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Continued Issues with ‘Bones’

You have to understand, Bones is one of my absolutely favorite TV shows.  Just, a note for those who watch the show, and may not have yet caught up to the current season, I will have a LOT of spoilers behind the Read More link.  So, if you don’t want spoilers, I suggest you stop reading this post right now.

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Categories: Mental Retraining | Tags: , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Sometimes……

Frankly, sometimes the medical industry as a whole makes no bloody sense! Now, don’t get me wrong, this is NOT something I think my doctor is doing wrong (which is a first, but another reason why I like her so much).

I was on Oxycodone for a few months (September through March – with March being a weaning off stage).  What it did for me is kill the pain hard enough to allow me not only to get to sleep, but sleep SOUNDLY enough to help with pain control.  The more actually restful, deep sleep one gets raises your endurance levels, allowing you to feel less pain.  It’s not that the pain is non-existent, just that your feeling of it is better tolerated.  In essence, Oxy gave me 24 hr pain relief (lowering my overall pain to about a 2), even though it’s effectiveness ends relatively quickly (3-4 hours before you usually need a new pain pill).  It took me a while to get to the point that my doctor understood that I wasn’t saying that the Oxy was working 24 hrs, and for her to explain to me that it was the fact that it was allowing me to sleep deeper.

But, because of how closely that doctors are watched, and Oxycodone use is particularly targeted as it has quite a high street value, too much prescribing of it can put you under investigation.  Even though I only ever took 1 per day (except for the week recovering from foot surgery), the concern is there – that she might be endangering her practice. So, she needed to find something that was focused on doing the same thing – allowing me to sleep deeply enough to help with my pain endurance.

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Triggered By TV

via Watch Bones Online – The Murder of the Meninist | Hulu

More often than not, the emotional response I have to TV shows is more a mild sadness when I see things like the “Malec” episode of Shadowhunters – no spoilers, but there was a romantic resolution.  It’s the whole feeling, when you’re recovering from a very unhealthy relationship, of “why couldn’t we have fixed things?”

Well, this one didn’t trigger that.

And it wasn’t about the 2-dimensional, stereotypical treatment of “men’s rights” groups, nor the 2-dimensional, stereotypical treatment of “women’s rights” groups.

One of the long time cast members was permanently injured.  And his excuse for treating his wife like shit was to say damned near word-for-word the same shit my ex used to say.  When your partner stands up and says, “look, I understand you have it hard.  But nothing excuses you taking out your rage on me” and you respond with: “If you think this is bad, you should see how much I’m holding back!  This is nothing.”

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How Does Love Work?

My sister and I had a rather interesting conversation the other day.  She told me that I could “get a boyfriend any time I wanted to.” I have to say, from her, this was a rather utterly confusing and somewhat shocking statement. You might ask “Why?” Let me answer you with a photo.

This image is a photo from August 6th, 1988.  How do I know the exact date, you ask? Because it was her wedding day to her own ex-husband.  Obviously, I’m the woman on the far left, as maid of honor.  This is what I looked like the year I turned 20 (technically, I suppose, on this exact date I was still 19).  She was just one month shy of 24.

The two women in between us are my mother, next to my sister, and our mother’s eldest sister (who is 90 and STILL going strong), who was also my godmother.

I’ve lived most of my life with a specter in my mind that my beautiful, “normal sized” sister was the popular one with guys.  That no one ever looked at me when she was around, because that’s exactly what happened during those few times we were together during our mutual teen years.  We were rarely together because she went to the same boarding school that I did.  She left for it the year I turned 10, and when she graduated in 1982, I went immediately to the same boarding school, while she moved in with our grandmother Rose.

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Categories: Mental Retraining, Non-Monogamy, Relationships, Sexual Positivity | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

My Little Brother

I had two little brothers.  One was by blood, and one was adopted.  They were within a year of each other in age, but their life experiences were very, very different.

But, I’ve always loved them both as …. just like in the advertisement above … my brothers.

I was 8 years older than one, and 9 years older than the other. So, there were some very major differences in the kind of love I had for them, and the love they had for me.

I will admit, the adopted one struggled with his life.  His experience before coming to us was, shall we simply say less than sweetness and light.  There were good parts, it wasn’t completely bad – but it was bad enough.  There was a lot to work through for a very, very young boy.

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An Open Letter to ‘Mary From Martha’

via An Open Letter to Target: Regarding your New Restroom Policy

This is my own open letter to you. Please, understand this is not an attack.  Nor is it a vilification or persecution of you as a Christian.  As I have stated before on this blog, while I am not a Christian, my family is — and they are my standard for what makes a good, righteous Christian.

While your statistics are clear, both on the number of LGBTQ in the country and on the rape statistics.  But I have answers for your questions to Target: Continue reading

Categories: Body Positivity, Gender Inequities | Tags: , , , , | 8 Comments

The Rights To Live Safe and Free

I recently met someone who is far worse off than myself.  This isn’t one of those “Don’t think you have it bad! Other people have it worse!” kind of posts.

Quite the opposite.  It’s a post about understanding.

Lady Gaga has a song called “Til It Happens To You” that speaks to this very strongly.  When I allow myself to listen or watch it, it still makes me cry.

Abuse, just like rape, is something that people who have not experienced it can truly understand.  I’m sorry, but that is the truth.  It’s no different than the gendered differences (women cannot necessarily understand what it is like to be a man, nor a man understand what it is like to be a woman), ethnicity differences (both sides of the racial issues do not necessarily understand the other side’s life experience), or any of a million differences.

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The Wonders of Life

The last few weeks have been an emotional roller-coaster that somewhat mimics this art.  It’s hard to be able to write when my emotions are so chaotic that I can barely set two words together. Some of it has been body health issues, some financial, some relationship perception issues (MINE – not someone else’s) and a whole lot of self-pity.

It’s that last that disgusts me the most.  Yes, I know I’m being hard on myself.  But, the reality is, I am in a situation right now that — in relation to the last 30-40 years (yes, I’m including life before the ex) — is pretty freaking multiple-hundreds of times better than it has ever been.

I’m loved: by family, by friends and by a wonderful man.  I’m able to look at myself and see not only a person that I respect, but who has made some serious progress in developing a self-worth that does not depend on how much I give to other people.  I’m, finally, being able to deal with the many physical ailments that have been developing over the last 30 years, but had to be ignored.  My relationships are, and my perceptions of them, are being reinvented in ways that I never expected.

In short, my life is fairly good right now, even with some of the challenges.

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Categories: Body Health, Mental Retraining | Tags: , , , | 2 Comments

Living in Fear

Fear means many things to many people. I’m not talking here about phobias or anxiety or mental issues like paranoia.

Some fears are more abstract, like the fear of change or the fear of taking a risk.

For so long, I allowed myself to give in to those abstract fears.  The simple fact that taking risks meant chaos and a total lack of control kept me paralyzed.

I spoke to my therapist recently, about this very thing.  About a fear of the more intense, more passionate, more chaotic emotions. Her opinion is that my family has a tendency to hide in intellectualism (as I believe I have said before).  While, yes, there is a trend in that direction, I don’t think all of us do it to the same extent as others.

She does, however, have to interrupt me numerous times during our sessions to halt that tendency, because that habit is deeply ingrained in me.  Dealing with my issues means I need to connect with the emotions I’ve repressed and suppressed for so long.

I had been making the first baby steps in that direction before I left my ex, but it has really only been since I moved up here to Cumberland that I have actually made reasonable progress. Sadly, I think I’m making better progress simply because I don’t have daily – or worse, hourly – emergencies and fires to put out (figurative, whether real emergencies or simply perceived ones by a man with no concept of anything but immediate gratification).  And yes, if I had firmer boundaries with him, and had been able to say “no” to him, he might have learned that a long time ago.  But, if I’m going to be blunt, it wasn’t MY job to teach him that.  It was HIS job as a human adult to learn it, whether or not anyone else taught it to him.

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