Monthly Archives: February 2016

Abusive Narcissists

via Five Powerful Ways Abusive Narcissists Get Inside Your Head

I’ve spoken about the gaslighting that I experienced when I was married.  But I haven’t really discussed the other issues that are very difficult to overcome.

And it took me a while to realize that I am not alone in my experiences.  When I posted this article to Facebook, my ex’s oldest friend responded with: “Christ! It’s like she knows him!”

There’s also “The Idealization-Devaluation-Discard Cycle”, “Smear Campaigns”, pulling in the “Well Meaning Witness” and the “Unlimited Masks.”. (I reworded/paraphrased the writer’s items)

The cycle is why I thought I was alone, that no one else experienced it.  The fact that we went from him not being able to get enough of me, to absolute chastity.  It was during the devaluation phase that he triggered all of my self-esteem issues, fitting it into his gaslighting so that I spent 14 years blaming myself for HIS sexual dysfunction. It wasn’t until I started to see him do it to another wife that I even had an inkling that there might be a bigger problem.  And even with that, I had blinders on for most of the decade she was with us – refusing to see what he was doing to both of us.

Sadly, when I left him in 2014, those same activities were starting to happen with the last woman we brought into the relationship.  This is the one he plans to marry again, making the relationship legal.  I can hope she doesn’t take as long as I did to realize who he really is, but either way – it is no longer my responsibility.

The smear campaigns didn’t start until after I left him, and after I told him I would no longer be abused – at least the smears aimed at me.  The smear about the other wife that left him, 6 months before I did, exploded all over the 2013 holiday season.  Well, no, that’s not completely true.  Every time someone left his life because they wouldn’t put up with his shit, he would fling as much mud as possible over the other person.

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The Death of Romance

I’ve had a number of friends complain that the art of romance seems to be dead. Significant others (SOs) ignore or forget about dates of importance, the “just because” gift never appears anymore, even simple things like buying something you know your SO would enjoy (doesn’t have to be expensive – something like a candy bar they haven’t had in a while can be a romantic gesture).

I think it’s actually a bigger problem.  No, I’m not going to blame it on our digital culture, like a lot of people do.  We live in an age where communication is made easier every day.  But, we seem to think, even more than we used to, that our SOs should have mental telepathy.

Look, people.  Even if telepathy is possible (jury is still out on that one until we can actually give it a rigorous testing), it would only be in a minuscule portion of the global population.

 So why do we think our partners can read our minds???

I absolutely despise hearing the complaint of “But if they loved me, they would KNOW what’s wrong!” SERIOUSLY???

Love does NOT automatically allow your partner to read your mind.  In fact, if you read any speculative fiction at all, the idea that anyone actually knows what someone else is thinking ends up either being very bad or very good.  In fact, one of my absolutely favorite authors, Spider Robinson, takes on the idea of telepathy in many different ways: Continue reading

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Not Just A Pretty Face

I’ve been asked before why, if I don’t garner a lot of “followers” or “readers,” why don’t I just give up writing a blog.  The reality is, I don’t write for “followers” or “readers,” I write first and foremost for me.  It’s not that I don’t appreciate everyone who reads and/or follows my blog — because I DO appreciate you guys! It’s more about the fact that my brain rarely if ever actually shuts up.  And keeping all of that inside my head means that I’m not assessing it, I’m letting it bias me in too many ways.  And just because I see something a certain way because of my own subjective perspective, doesn’t mean that perspective has any actual relation to objective truth.

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Categories: Body Positivity, Creativity, Feminism, Mental Retraining | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Help A Woman Out, Here

I’m looking for photographers (or models with photographs) who are willing to let me use their work/likeness in the Photoshop work I’m doing.

Sadly, there is no money up front right at this point in time, but might be able to negotiate something later, or open to current bartering negotiations.

This is NOT a hope for “free” work (although, if you want to give me a free license for your work, I won’t turn it away, and I will publicize your work on this blog as credit for the photo(s)). I’m not one of those idiots who want you to give free work away “for the exposure.” Your time is JUST as valuable as mine.

Any photographs involved MUST BE a minimum of 4080 pixels in width x 4800 pixels in height (width can be smaller if height is good – current working file is that height, and most items will be of a similar size).

Be aware, all end items will be sold as art. Model release, and licensing required.

Please initiate contact via my contact form, more details will be provided after contact has been initiated.

Thanks for your attention!

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Clinton, and Her Second-Wave Feminist Supporters

Second-Wave FeministsNow that I’ve had a good chunk of February to contemplate the choices of Gloria Steinem and Madeline Albright in their comments about the younger generations of women in support of Hillary Clinton, while I still find their comments short-sighted, offensive and outright condescending they are a bit more understandable if you pay attention to the evolution of feminism.

First-wave feminism was the hardest.  These were not just the ones who fought for us to have the right to vote, but also the right to their own destinies without the approval of a father or a husband, the right to an education and a profession, and many of the options we as women now take for granted.

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Fat As The Ultimate Evil

via An Obesity Tax Is Legalized Discrimination.

Discrimination aimed at fat people isn’t exactly a surprise to those of us who grew up fat.  Every part of our society is so damned anti-fat that being told your life is shitty “because your’e fat” is an acceptable answer to any cry for help.

Because being fat is all about sloth, gluttony and a severe lack of willpower.

Yeah, sure.  And I’d like to sell you some beautiful ocean-view land, in Nevada.  It only glows sometimes.

As the article states, obesity is a horrendously complex medical condition.  EVERY YEAR we’re finding out more about our bodies, and how they work.  And, while the statistic of 95% of obese people regain the weight has been disproven, the new studies still show that only 2o.6% of obese individuals ever actually keep it off.

That is STILL 79.4% who regain the weight.  It’s writing the smaller number so that supposedly there is less of a “negative impact.”

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Then Again, Maybe Not

I wrote about self-flagellation, and how much I am working on trying to re-train that part of me that is so harshly self-critical.  And, I guess I’m not as far along as I thought. I can still be proud that I didn’t go automatically into that spiral.

But, it’s still hard not to look at it and say: ‘you’re such a dumbass! you know that, don’t you?’

Sometimes my passion for what I consider to be the “right thing” I forget to take into account how it will not only affect other people, but in what ways it will affect me or mine.  And, while being persistent to fight for that “right thing” is good, it can also send you off in a different direction than you thought you were going.  And sometimes, you take that step too far because the passion is pushing you.

And, if I think about that, perhaps that’s exactly why my younger self tried to turn off all of those chaotic emotions, like passion.  Not just sexual passion, but the sheer vivacity of life.  Maybe I just got sick of taking that step too far, or was too afraid to let go of control and take a risk that I couldn’t predict where it would take me.

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When Habitual Responses Clash…

Sibling birth order discussions are sometimes quite intense between those who believe it is an issue of how the parents react to their children, those who believe it is ingrained in the child themselves, and those who simply don’t believe sibling issues based on birth order are necessarily going to happen in every family.

But, I can tell you that it is often something that happens for some of us.  I am, in many ways, a middle child with some youngest child thrown in.  I was born 4 years after my sister, and 9 years before my brother.  I have, sadly, most often idolized my sister and in many ways attempted to prove that I am “just as good as she is.”

I could be all mystical and woo-woo here if I wanted to be.  As an amateur astrologer (I’ve been studying astrology since the mid-90s), there are some very obvious differences and tendencies that show up not only in my siblings’ charts, but also some of my own. Her being a sun sign of Libra, while I am a Sagittarius, for example makes for an obvious trend for both of us.  She tends to look at all sides of an issue before doing what she thinks is the right thing to do, while I tend to make quicker decisions but based on the principle of justice (which can often make me choose what I see to be “right” but it is different than what she thinks is “right.”)

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Severe Lack of Boundaries

I’ve said before that my therapist was horrified by the idea that some strange person in a grocery store feels completely comfortable criticizing someone who doesn’t fit their preferences of how someone looks, acts or simple who someone IS.

This is the poverty-stricken woman with children desperately trying to feed her children, while still allowing them some of the joys of childhood.  This is the fat person purchasing food for her or his family, including perhaps some special items to put a smile on someone else’s face (items that to the stranger should NEVER EVER be purchased by a fat person.  This is the person who USED to have a fairly well-paying job, but is still unemployed and therefore may be purchasing food for their family with food stamps, while wearing their interview suit that looks like it probably cost a fortune, or drives a luxury vehicle because they were lucky enough to pay off the car before they lost their job.

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I get a daily reminder (on only weekdays, no weekends) of positive thinking. It usually hits my email at about 3am.

Sometimes, it’s hokey. Sometimes it is just too woo-woo even for me.

But, then again, sometimes it hits a note I really need to hear.

Today’s is:

When someone is so “desperate” to have what they want to have, do what they want to do, or be who they want to be, Cat, that they’d rather take little, tiny, teeny steps in the direction of their dreams than face one more single day of doing without, I just can’t help but open the floodgates.

It’s a bit on the woo-woo side, but struck me that that’s essentially what I’m doing, and how I’m living right now. I can’t rely on my brain like I am used to, and I have no promise that I will ever get back what I used to have.

But, there has been a little, tiny, teeny dream I have had – but that I’ve never even allowed myself to consider as a possibility. I’ve wanted to be a writer and an artist for decades. But, I had no confidence in my ability to do either. And I also had a lot of different people telling me that my writing and my art just didn’t measure up. That, if I was lucky, maybe one or two people might like it, but I would never be the kind of creative genius that my role models were.

And some part of me thought, if I can’t be like my role models, why should I try?

That bit of self-hate has haunted me for far too much of my life.

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