Just Because It Burns….

In the autumn of 2013, when I was still in the first blush of love with my current boyfriend, he played this song for me.  Ever since, it’s been a song that – along with others – has helped to keep me focused on the future, and not allow my  toxic past to poison my future.

WARNING:  POSSIBLE ABUSE TRIGGER

Pink, and her dance partner, depict a dancing version of mutual frustration and can be seen as mutual physical abuse of each other.  The chalk is a colorful graphic representation of the bruises/wounds they give to each other. Just because there is less chalk on the man in some scenes of this video (logically that means some of the earlier takes worked better than later ones), does NOT mean that P!nk is depicting an innocent victim of abuse – the abuse IS mutual in this depiction.

Lyrics to P!nk’s TRY

Ever wonder ’bout what he’s doing
How it’s all turned to lies
Sometimes I think that it’s better,
To never ask why
Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in love so easy
Even when it’s not right
Ever worry that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry
When you’re out there doing what you’re doing
Are you just getting by
Tell me are you just
getting by, by, by

CHORUS:
Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame, someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns, doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try

Try

P!nk

The reality is, after any breakup, it’s very difficult to remind yourself that not everyone is a carbon-copy of your ex.  And if you’ve been rejected multiple times, by multiple people, it is hard to think that the problem is just that you are somehow not deserving of love or desire.

And sometimes, with those emotions and thoughts squatting like demons at the top of your consciousness, you give up. You think, “Why the hell should I keep fighting?”

Thing is, as another song has said: “I beg your pardon I never promised you a rose garden.  Along with the sunshine there’s gotta be a little rain sometime. When you take, you gotta give so live and let live and let go.”

Love is never easy.  Oh, the first blush of it might be, but that fades.  Once that first flush is gone, the relationship isn’t over – or at least, it doesn’t have to be.  But, it takes work on both sides of the relationship (ANY relationship, not just romance) to have a long-term, fulfilling relationship.

And yes, sometimes you will fight.  But, you will also hopefully eventually come to an understanding, one that you feel is fair to the both of you – because NO ONE gets to win all of the time.

I was lucky, unlike a lot of other people who have experienced divorce.  I had a support system around me, reminding me of my worth.  I have the love of a good man, reminding me that all of the lies about my worth and desirability I had experienced were just that, lies and manipulation. I didn’t have to sit in the dark of my room wondering if I would ever love again or be loved again – like so many have to.

And I STILL have times when it is extremely tempting to close up that armor around myself.  To close out everyone and anyone who might get close enough to hurt me that much ever again.  I think everyone who has experienced divorce goes through that situation.

One of the fears I had that was blocking the option of leaving my ex, besides a deep-set fear that I would die alone and unloved, was the fear of ending up living with my divorced sister for the rest of my life – just two women alone, with pets.  Or becoming my paternal grandmother who was a bitter, ball-busting battle-axe in many ways.  I’m already called a battle-axe, and have been accused of being bitter and ball-busting.

I think some part of me was convinced if I continued to allow myself to be the victim, I could at least say I was better than my grandmother – that sacrificing myself for my ex would somehow make being a victim an act of strength and will.

But, I have people in my life who remind me constantly how hard I’ve worked to lose that armor, to take it off and take the risk to let people in.  I have, of course, my boyfriend, and many other friends as well (male and female) who also help remind me that would be a bad choice.

So, let me tell you.  If you’ve been hurt, and I’m sure you have, you too can choose to let yourself love again.  You have to try, because if you don’t try, if you don’t take the risk to love again  you WILL be alone.  Don’t open yourself in a desperate way, choosing anything rather than being alone, but you do need to let someone in, you need to take that risk.

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Categories: Creativity, Mental Retraining, Non-Monogamy | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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