First off, guys, I’m not going to be talking about menstruation here, so don’t just walk away feeling icky. I know, you don’t want to hear about that stuff…but, if you are a father to a daughter, you may want to get over that particular subject avoidance – they need your support just as much as your sons do during puberty.
But I am going to discuss a subject that most men don’t like to talk about: Erectile dysfunction and impotence.
Trust me, guys. We get it. You don’t want to talk about it. You barely want to discuss it with a doctor, let alone to your partner(s).
But, we NEED to talk about it.
We need to talk about it, because while it impacts you primarily, it also impacts your partner(s). I don’t know how much or how little it affects a homosexual partner (not being another man), but I can tell you that it has a huge emotional impact on your heterosexual partner(s).
Why? Because the supposed common wisdom relating to this issue places the fault for impotence directly on your partner. And, regrettably, many men actually actively ENCOURAGE this misconception.
This is, again, another situation in which our currently screwed up focus on sex makes both genders miserable.
From a clinical standpoint, there are MANY factors that could (and do) cause impotence. Mental health, emotional health, physical health – these are all factors.
In my case, ONE instance of impotence led to over a decade of not only celibacy for me, but a constant blame for the issue being placed firmly on my shoulders. My ex lost his erection exactly once with me, and stormed out of the bedroom enraged. No discussion, no interaction, just immediate rage.
And, of course, I immediately blamed myself for it. And cried myself to sleep. That happened in 2000. The next time I had sex with my ex (in 2013), it was at the behest of my therapist – and ended up being aborted early because there was no foreplay, and I got dry (making the sex painful). And it happened only after a YEAR of asking him to join me in the assignment my therapist gave me. I had to BEG him to take this step to heal our sexual dysfunction.
Since then, the ONLY time I’ve gotten dry is when the sex lasts far longer than my body is able to take. And that is a rarity.
Ladies, if this happens to your partner, it is NOT your fault. If he tries to make it your fault, walk away from him. But a GOOD partner will not blame you for it. A GOOD partner will admit it is something inside him.
In fact, most men know it is an issue inside themselves. And, just like we women need support and reassurance when stuff goes wrong in our own bodies, our men need support and reassurance when this happens to them.
As I get older, this issue pops up more. It doesn’t matter if the reasons for it are mental, stress or physical. It just happens. And blaming ourselves for it actually harms the man to whom it is happening. It’s NOT about us, ladies. And if you try to make it all about you, you are ignoring the fact that your partner has a need.
When/if it happens to a man who is with me, at this point I try to focus on my partner, and try to give him what he needs from me. Of course, this requires he actually communicate his need. If he needs to be left alone, that’s what I need to give him.
It’s probably best to discuss this subject OUTSIDE of the bedroom. Sexual frustration does not exactly make for a reasonable, understanding discussion. Again, it’s NOT about blame. It’s about doing what you can to ensure that open, honest communication is happening.
The men in your life have needs. Relationships are NOT just about you and your satisfaction.