I know I posted about this before. The whole idea of not being someone who needs a man to “take care of her.”
And, in some ways, I still am that woman. I don’t NEED there to be a man who has a fat wallet, but wants just a bimbo with no mind of her own. My boyfriend can tell you, I don’t exactly act like the demure, mindless type. In fact, one of his favorite epithets for me is “brat.” (no, I do NOT consider that to be him being somehow better, more intelligent, or more mature – simply that at times I can be jokingly mischievous…..and he enjoys it when I am, especially since I tend to be too serious too often).
In some ways, however, I do need/want a man to “take care” of me. After a marriage where I was the ONLY caretaker, I need/want someone who is going to be as much of a caretaker of me as I am of him.
Just like women are far more than beauty, breasts and a vagina, men are far more than just a wallet and a dick. Not that my ex was much of either one.
But I know far too many men who think the ONLY thing of value that they have to give a woman is their wallet.
Thing is, we’re all human. Male, female, other – it doesn’t matter. We all want in some way to have someone take care of us. It’s hard coded into us. It’s so much hard coded that if a baby doesn’t get that kind of care, they become seriously mentally ill, and it takes years of therapy and YEARS of unconditional love to actually get them to a place where they can feel trust and connection.
Don’t throw money at me when I’m in pain. Shopping is NOT going to help (well, books might……but only as an escape). Do your part around the house – you messed it up just as much as anyone else living in the house, so you are just as responsible to clean it up. Don’t try to fix shit unless I ask you to. Sometimes all I want is a sympathetic ear and a shoulder to cry on. Let ME support you at your hard times just as much as YOU support me in mine.
Notice I’m not necessarily saying that the “you” is men, and the “me” is women. This kind of shit shows up in ANY relationship, romantic or platonic – and ANY romantic relationship no matter the gender of those in it.
And it ALSO requires that I take care of myself. No person should ever play the child in an adult relationship (I’m not talking about BDSM relationships here where there might be some role playing) and NO person should ever have to re-parent their spouse.
If I choose not to take care of myself, and expect others to do it for me, that’s just as much narcissism as someone else expecting me to do it for them. If there is any lesson I’ve learned since the early part of 2014, it’s that I MUST take care of myself, because if I do not there won’t be any energy or emotion left to take care of someone else.
But, avoiding being a person with real needs is unhealthy. Sharing your needs, being vulnerable, trusting someone else with your weaknesses, this is ALL part of a healthy relationship. And I should have realized that a LONG time ago, that if I could not trust him with my weaknesses or vulnerabilities, that there was something VERY wrong with our relationship.