“You Just Haven’t Found the Right Man!”

This is not just a comment made to lesbians.  No, it’s a comment made to straight women who are secure in their choice to be non-monogamous.  And, frankly, it’s just as disgusting to us as it is to lesbians.  It’s even more disgusting when it is stated to one of us ladies who are both non-monogamous AND fat.

  1. You just haven’t met the right man. Actually, I’ve met approximately 4 or 5 of the ‘right man’ – someone I’d be monogamous for.  Problem is, every single one of them is emotionally unavailable.  I’ve loved (and still love a few of them) all of them.  But, 2 of them love me as a person, but not as a partner – thereby being emotionally unavailable as a partner, but available as a friend.  Two more of them are married, and therefore only available to me as a non-monogamous person.  But, their lives have gone in a different direction than mine, and so are emotionally unavailable by distance and choices (mine and theirs).  And one of them was my ex.And he was emotionally unavailable on so many levels.  While I have consistently seen myself as a non-monogamous woman, functionally I lived as a monogamous one because of his own level of insecurity.  It’s only been in the last 5 years that I’ve allowed myself to open up to dating other men, and insisting I had that right.  And, his fear and insecurity was reasonable.  He was absolutely right.  I did find “a better man than he was.” In fact, I found a number of better men than he is.  But it took the last one to make me realize that I deserved better, and needed to leave my ex.

  1. You’re only non-monogamous because it is the ONLY way you can keep a man.  Yes, I have actually heard this from numerous people – as a verbatim quote.  And have heard it repeatedly from the time I was married to even today.In actuality, I don’t have any trouble “keeping a man,” thank you very much. I can think of only 2 men in the last 5 years that I was NOT the one who broke off the relationship.  And those two men were friends-with-benefits (FWBs), rather than a 100% romantic partner relationship.  Every single other relationship – long or short term – I was the one who initiated the breakup.  And only 2 of those breakups were acrimonious:  a) the breakup with my ex; and 2) a man who I broke up with because of his past.  And his acrimony only made it more clear to me that I had made a good, healthy decision in regards to him.

    If “looks” are the only quality required to “keep a man” with any particular man, I’m not interested in that man.  Someone who is most likely to keep me as a loved one has to be intelligent, witty, humorous, empathic/compassionate and knows and appreciates himself as an individual.  I have no interest in a narcissist, sociopath, psychopath, or in anyone who is still “finding himself.”  And there is a difference between “finding himself” and “rebuilding himself.”

  2. The right man will make you want him alone. I want a partner – NOT someone who needs/wants a mommy, NOT someone who needs me to hold his insecure hand 24/7 and jealously wants to isolate me, NOT someone who needs an exclusive cheerleader.Every man I have come across who wanted me “to himself” wanted one or all of these things.  For this kind of man, any partner he brings into his life must be available to him exclusively.  And our society encourages this kind of social isolation of someone from the group.  It’s not just men who want to isolate their partner, many women have the same intention/need.

    The “right man” for me can stand on his own two feet.  Because I have my own set of trust issues (as does EVERY human being), he needs to be able to be enough of an individual that I can actually TRUST him enough to be vulnerable to him, or allow him ANY amount of emotional support for me.  My ex was NEVER able to be that for me.  I couldn’t trust him with my vulnerabilities, because he repeatedly used them against me.

    But no single person can be 100% there for any other human being.  And the fact is, I’ve realized that I have a slew of needs.  And I acknowledge that in order to get my needs met, and not insist someone else does not get his own needs met, I need more than one man that I can trust at that level.  I cannot, without losing my own personal integrity, expect ANY single man to fulfill every single one of those needs.  And, just like everyone else in this world, I deserve to have my needs met (but so do the men in my life).

    My ONLY difficulty is finding other men (other than my current boyfriend) who meet the exacting standards I have set based on my own self-worth.  And I’m not going to lower those standards, not anymore. I may choose a “lesser” man to just get my ashes hauled, but not as a partner – not anymore.

  3. The only man who is going to want you is just as broken as you are.  Really?  Let me tell you something, friend.  EVERYONE is broken.  The only difference is whether or not someone chooses to allow their “broken” to define themselves.  My ex, for all he claims otherwise, is defined by his broken, because he uses it as his excuse for his poor choices.  It allows him to blame everyone else for things in his life going bad.

    My current boyfriend, just like everyone else, is broken.  But, he chooses to NOT allow his broken to define him.

So, why should I look for “just one man?” Love, for me, is not defined by numbers.  I’m not saying it’s wrong for you, if monogamy works for you.  It’s just not right for me.

Categories: Body Positivity, Feminism, Non-Monogamy | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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