Look, I’m NOT a fetish. I’m not a guilty secret. I’m not someone who is just there for the booty call (unless I want to be). And even if I’m a friend with benefits (FWB), I will not be hidden away and not seen in public with you.
I am a PERSON. I am a human being with wants, desires and needs. I’m not some blow-up doll available just for your enjoyment.
And, yes, I absolutely love sex.
I’m sick of the trope that every “fat person” on television on TV or in film must go from being a confident, self-assured, self-validating person to a shaking jello-mold of fear simply because someone else is about to see them naked.
Is it real? Yes. I’ve had my own fear of what a sexual partner will see and think when he first sees me naked.
But it is also a fear that can be overcome, and can be left behind. It doesn’t have to happen EVERY time I choose to have sex with a new person.
Unlike a lot of people my size, no matter the myth of the “fat slut,” I have had quite a few lovers. And while in my early adulthood, some of them were out of some sense of desperation for love, that is NOT where I stand now. I promise you, ladies and gentlemen, in my experience EVERYONE in their 20s no matter their size or shape has those same fears of whether or not the person they are choosing to be intimate with finds them attractive. And quite a few of people in their 20s – again, NO MATTER THEIR SIZE OR SHAPE – are having sex with others out of a desperate need to be touched. It’s just a trope that fat people supposedly feel it their entire lives, which is – I can tell you from experience – a bloody lie!
And, in fact, in the last 5 years, the men I have been with have been a far better quality. Why? Because I have a sense of self-worth, an ability to self-validate. Because I have those things, I can CHOOSE to have sex or not – it’s not about being desperate to have the validation of a man touching me.
As for the sex itself? When I was in my 20s, I was desperately afraid of being a “bad lay.” Hell, I had one boyfriend who called me a “dead fish.”
Now, almost every single man I’ve slept with has considered me to be a great lover. In fact, I have a few men who “can’t get enough of me.”
It’s not about being a fetish. It’s not about being desperate. It’s about KNOWING yourself. It’s about LOVING yourself.
When you are desperate to have love and validation, you are spending more of your mental energy worrying about how “good” you are to your sexual partner than to actually enjoying yourself or enjoying them. It’s fairly easy to tell when someone isn’t giving you their all in bed. It feels as if you aren’t real, or that something else is more important in that moment.
It’s pretty much the same thing as the old joke about a woman laying under her lover thinking, “Beige, I think I’ll paint it beige.”
When you are no longer being desperate, when you are no longer begging to be validated, then BOTH of you are involved in the sex – whether it is making love or casual. When YOU are the one making the choice to have sex or not, it becomes quite easy to be good in bed.
When you are spending energy exploring your lover’s body, rather than trying to hide some part of your own body from his/her view, the sex is better. Why? Because you are giving it your attention, not paying attention to your fears.
I do still occasionally have fears about whether or not someone is sexually attracted to me. But they are gone once the first steps are taken. Trust me, if someone is kissing you deeply enough that you’re tasting their tonsils, that person is attracted to you.
Once I learned to understand that, sex no longer became a fetish, or a fear.