Most people say that emotion is not logical, that love is not logical. Well, they’re right – emotions aren’t logical.
HOWEVER, adult human relationships are.
I know, I know, there are probably a few people out there who are getting whiplash from that statement.
We try to deny it. We try to excuse poor relationship choices by saying that it’s all about the emotions. But, the reality is, we’re not just creatures of instinct and emotion. We’re also – supposedly – rational beings.
So, here we have women who have poor self-esteem, are insecure, and are emotionally immature – so they start fights with their significant others about issues that are either non-issues, or are situations where their perspective is so wrapped up with their negative view of themselves that the women cannot actually see that they are baseless in their accusations. Or we have men, also who have poor self-esteem, are insecure and who are emotionally immature – so they accuse their significant others about the same things the women are doing – for the same reasons.
Or, we have chosen family group, one who has developed a leadership because some major decisions are required. The person (or persons) with the most skill at making those decisions, and at delegating the situations they may not have the experience to complete becomes – in a rational relationship – the person(s) who make the final decisions.
Pure consensus decision-making is ONLY useful if all members of the group are a) emotionally mature; and b) more interested in the welfare of the entire group rather than only their own singular welfare.
Unfortunately, in the REAL world (i.e. consensual reality), few people are at the same level of emotional maturity as everyone else in a given group, and rarely are they interested in the welfare of the entire group over their own individual wants and/or needs. And some, sadly, will never develop the required level of emotional maturity due to developmental disasters in their lives, and an unwillingness to heal the issues created by those disasters so that they can move on.
But that does not mean that we should not encourage our loved ones to learn a higher level of emotional maturity. Nor does it mean that we should not encourage them to heal the wounds their life has given them.
It does bother me, intensely, to be a part of a group and to watch seemingly adult persons treat their loved ones to what amounts to an adult temper tantrum. That they excuse their behavior by retreating behind the known low self-esteem, and the known personal poor self-worth. That they excuse their behavior by blaming it on their own insecurities, and people pity them.
Look, I get insecure. I get insecure pretty fucking often. And sometimes I experience extreme bouts of low self-esteem and low self-worth. I get it, I really do.
But, it is NOT my boyfriend’s fault that I’m insecure. He’s not telling me the lies that my ex told me to make my self-esteem even lower, and my self-worth non-existent. Nor are my real friends – people who are honest with me about my worth as a human being. Hell, it’s not even my ex’s fault, because part of the reason I fell for his charming bullshit was the fact that I already had low self-esteem and low self-worth. He just encouraged that view of myself.
*I* am the one responsible for my insecurity, my low self-esteem, and my low self-worth. And until I can validate my OWN self-esteem and self-worth, I will continue to feel insecure and even yes, sometimes unloved.
I have a responsibility to communicate that I feel insecure, but I have NO right to blame anyone else for my feelings of insecurity.
Relationships are made up of humans, and humans are both creatures of intellect and instinct. I’d rather be in a relationship with someone capable of both, than with someone stuck in their own emotional spin-cycle.