Fat is Not a Fetish (Nor is Skinny)

Look, I’m pretty open about a lot of things.  I enjoy a little kink in my life, just as I enjoy life in general.  And yes, there are some things that are a fetish.  Let’s define that, shall we?

Psychologically, fetishism is sexual attraction to objects, situations, or body parts not traditionally viewed as sexual (https://www.psychologytoday.com/conditions/fetishism). When taken to an extreme it becomes an obsession, and an individual cannot become aroused without the aid of the fetish object, situation or body part.

Attraction, on the other hand, is psychologically defined as the natural feeling of being drawn to other individuals and desiring their company. This is usually (but not necessarily) due to having a personal liking for them. (http://psychologydictionary.org/attraction/).

Attraction is always a subjective experience.  And not every human being is attracted to the same qualities in other human beings.  But just as finding someone who is LGBTQ attractive is NOT a fetish, neither is being attracted to those who are “outside of the norm” in body shape.  It is simply one quality in an entire list of qualities that a particular person finds attractive.

Sadly, our society looks at those people who are “outside of the norm” of body shape as being unattractive or even unfuckable.  Worse, if someone who is considered aesthetically pleasing to the rest of the world dates someone who is not, both people are treated with scorn and shaming. And any relationship pattern outside of the norm then gets pointed to as the “only way someone like that can keep an attractive significant other.”

My ex-husband, for example, is of an aesthetically pleasing body shape.  For the entire time I was married to him, I was told repeatedly that the ONLY reason we were polyamorous, or kinky, was because it was the only way I could “keep” him as my husband.  I was told that if only I had a decent self-worth, then we wouldn’t have to be poly.

That is not only a lie, as I was the one who talked him into becoming polyamorous (his initial response was excessively negative), but is also damaging to both individuals in a relationship.  It assumes something is “wrong” with the “hot” person in the relationship, and considers the “not hot” person to be broken beyond repair.

Now, personally, the body of the person I’m attracted to is not part of the list of qualities I look for.  I’ve dated skinny guys, fat guys, and the whole spectrum in between.  I am attracted to the mind, to the heart and to the personality of a guy.  It’s not about aesthetics for me, although I have found that as love grows between myself and a guy, I tend to start finding them more attractive.  The opposite is not true though – I don’t find someone less attractive just because I may no longer love him.

No one has to deserve love.  No one has to be good enough to be loved.

So how about we all stop assuming that a human being is unlovable simply because their body shape is outside of the norm.

Categories: Body Positivity, Mental Retraining, Sexual Positivity | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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