Monthly Archives: September 2015

Love versus Logic

Most people say that emotion is not logical, that love is not logical.  Well, they’re right – emotions aren’t logical.

HOWEVER, adult human relationships are.

I know, I know, there are probably a few people out there who are getting whiplash from that statement.

We try to deny it.  We try to excuse poor relationship choices by saying that it’s all about the emotions.  But, the reality is, we’re not just creatures of instinct and emotion.  We’re also – supposedly – rational beings.

So, here we have women who have poor self-esteem, are insecure, and are emotionally immature – so they start fights with their significant others about issues that are either non-issues, or are situations where their perspective is so wrapped up with their negative view of themselves that the women cannot actually see that they are baseless in their accusations.  Or we have men, also who have poor self-esteem, are insecure and who are emotionally immature – so they accuse their significant others about the same things the women are doing – for the same reasons.

Or, we have chosen family group, one who has developed a leadership because some major decisions are required.  The person (or persons) with the most skill at making those decisions, and at delegating the situations they may not have the experience to complete becomes – in a rational relationship – the person(s) who make the final decisions.

Pure consensus decision-making is ONLY useful if all members of the group are a) emotionally mature; and b) more interested in the welfare of the entire group rather than only their own singular welfare.

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Writing a Memoir

I’ve been encouraged by quite a few people to write my memoirs.  There are a few different themes that such memoirs could take.  I’ve been an abused woman (not physically, but mentally and emotionally).  I’ve grown up fat in a world that still abuses those who are “different” than the norm.  I’ve grown up as an independent, opinionated woman in a society that desperately attempts to marginalize and repress such women, because they challenge the status quo.

But I don’t want to use that particular perspective as a soapbox from which I rage at and defame others.  I see no reason to destroy others in the process of sharing my particular perspective.  Even on this blog, although I may make emotional comments about my ex-husband (some of them, perhaps, derogatory), it is often more trying to understand what it actually happening in my head – rather than destroying him.

Did he make bad choices? Of course, he did.  But so did I.

Did my parents make poor choices in some of their decisions of raising me? Of course, they did – no parent is perfect.  But they are good people underneath it all, and tried their best – even if sometimes they failed.

But I also had my own personal perspective on the things that people have done to me in the past.  My own personal bias may have read intent behind the content of other people’s words that were NOT actually intended by the speaker.  That isn’t a problem with the speaker, but with me the listener.  If I’m translating someone else’s words based on my own bias, instead of hearing their intended content – that’s NOT them.  That’s me.

Just some things I’m thinking about today.

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Religious Observances

I’ll admit that during my recovery, I’ve been less focused on living my spirituality.  It’s not that I’ve lost faith, it’s that sometimes living one’s faith consciously (instead of the unconscious response of faith) can sometimes be difficult when one is simply trying to make it through just one more day.

I still pray.  I still feel the wonder of Nature.  I still experience spiritual epiphanies and feeling that connection to the Divine that brings peace and comfort.

As a Neo-Pagan, just as with other religions, it is possible to live your faith without necessarily doing all of the external shows of the faith.  I still strive to limit the harm I do to others and the Earth.  I still live parts of my ministerial calling.

I just haven’t had the physical energy or mental energy to do the active part of my faith.

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Obligation versus Entitlement

There’s an awful lot of people throwing around the word entitlement lately.  Whether it is a politician trying to persuade his/her audience or an activist trying to change the world or even a parent or family member dealing with a rebellious teenager, it doesn’t really matter.  It’s a knee-jerk word that pushes most people’s buttons. In learning rhetoric (a word that essentially means learning how to inform, persuade, or motivate someone else), knee-jerk words are considered emotive language.

The intention of emotive language is to bypass the logical mind and reach the emotional mind.  They are words that have become incontrovertibly entwined with an emotional response (whether positive or negative).  The word socialism is another one of those words.

Sadly, anyone working in marketing and/or advertising or public relations is taught exactly that the use of such emotive language (visually or verbally) is the primary go-to for influencing the average Joe and Jane Public. It’s one of the reasons that sex and the female body has been used to sell anything from automobiles to burgers. The unconscious implication is that if you buy or eat this thing – you’ll either become the sex symbol, or you’ll be able to date that sex symbol.

This is why politicians have PR specialists who are writing their speeches (of course, there are those who ignore their PR people, and thereby say and do stupid shit).

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Ancestral Curses are Real

I know, you’ve probably heard that before.  It’s a stereotype of a certain type of con man.  Some so-called psychic tells you that you have a curse on you because of something an ancestor did, and they’ll take it off you but need $XXXXXXX to buy the required ingredients to break the curse.  It’s never your own fault, it’s always something someone did way back in your family’s past.

The problem is, the situation is real. It’s just that the psychic or witch or priest/pastor/minister who wants to do some ritual over you is not actually looking at what the curse REALLY is.

A lot of religions have this kind of concept.  Even Christianity has it.  Exodus 20:5: “… I the LORD thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation of them that hate me.”

But, it is only when you start to look at psychology that a real understanding of what is going on truly gets looked at.

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Bullies are never just your peers in childhood

via I Was Bullied as a Kid for Being Fat, And The Worst Bullies of All Were Full-Grown Adults

Yes, I was bullied as a child. And no, it was RARELY my peers.  Why? Because I was bigger than most of my peers, and children are rarely willing to bully someone bigger than they are.

Every teacher I had – not just Phys. Ed teachers – contributed to the bullying.  I couldn’t be anything other than a “brain” – because I was the fat kid.  And if I tried to be more than just a “brain,” I was shamed for it.

Every doctor I had contributed to the bullying, well into my adulthood.

Even my family contributed to the bullying, sadly thinking they were being “encouraging” and “supportive” while doing it. My parents, my grandmother, my siblings – every one has made comments about my weight, intending to be supportive, but not actually doing so.

NOW, my peers, and even some of those who should consider me their “elder” continue the bullying behaviors.

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Art Should Make You FEEL

via These Photos of the Female Body Are Tough to Look At, But That’s Part of Their Message

You have to understand that an important part of creativity is making your audience FEEL.  It’s not always to make your audience think (although, really good creative works will make you think too – particularly books), but it had better make your audience FEEL – even if that feeling is disgust.

The thing is, often speaking about those things we’ve hidden from others is considered shameful.  Why? Because why would it be considered disgusting if it wasn’t shameful.

Menstruation – for a woman – is a subject that is extremely difficult to talk about, because many men consider it disgusting, and many women consider it shameful (to be hidden from the world).  No one should ever admit that they are having their period, because it’s shameful.

I want to know when this started.

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Deserving, Meriting, Accepting, Prospering – the Struggle

Yes, I know I’ve been behind in blog posts.  Sometimes, sadly, life interferes, and I don’t always have posts “in the chute” ready to be posted.  I try to keep 3 days ahead, but sometimes I just can’t.  Some of it, comes from the fact I am still struggling with the chemical damage to my brain from the last 20 years of abuse (both self-inflicted, and inflicted by those outside myself).  Some days it’s all I can do just to stare at the wall, let alone actually motivate myself to do anything.

I had a plan to be able to visit my boyfriend this weekend, even more importantly because his birthday is coming up (Monday, but we were planning to celebrate this weekend).  Yesterday evening, after the vehicle had been working fine, suddenly it wouldn’t start.  I had planned to make an early start of it, and be with my boyfriend no later than noon today.

We’re working on fixing it, hoping it’s something simple, but there’s always that little niggling demon in the back of my head saying, “you know, this is YOUR fault.  You’re not allowed to have good things in your life.  You need to be continuously punished.”

It’s a struggle I know that a lot of people go through.  It doesn’t really matter the reason we’ve ended up seeing ourselves as undeserving or worthless, whether it is trauma, shame, loss or whatever set of bad things that have led us to believe we’re just not a good person – it’s just the fact that somehow we’ve developed a self-image that paints us as the villain in our life.

It’s even developed a name.  It’s called “Imposter Syndrome,” and it hits pretty much a wide range of people – from those who succeed to those who self-sabotage and fail.

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The Fear at the End of the Rainbow

via One Woman’s Journey into Lost Weight

I will admit, I live in terror.  I want to continue back on my journey to lose weight (which was happening before I ended my marriage, and spending the last year and a half recovering emotionally and mentally).  But I know, at the end of it, that this woman’s experience will be reflected in my own.  My goal weight is slightly over half the size I was at my largest (the weight I have been since I was 16 – at 370 pounds).

And no matter what the fitness gurus tell you, skin does not “snap back” to redefine your body as you lose weight.  I know this, because (although I have gained some of the weight I lost back) at 270 pounds, I could see and define each and every extra pocket of skin.  Even with exercise, the skin didn’t redefine itself.  It didn’t resize itself as a smaller person.

I spoke to physical therapists and to fitness people.  They too warned me that as someone who has been large her whole life, I will have skin pockets, and loose wrinkles of skin all over my body.

I’m still focused on health, still looking to lower my overall body weight in the process.  But, I’m terrified of what I am going to look like when and if I make it to my goal weight of 170.  I’ve finally gotten to a place where I can look at my body and not see hideousness.  I have overcome the voices in my head to an extent, so that I am not repeating the pseudo-concerned mantras from my father or my ex-husband that basically say that unless I’m a certain body size, “real men” won’t love me (supposedly, only “broken men” – or no men at all will love me).

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Relationship Habits

It’s very easy to get stuck in certain relationship habits.  It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship it may be, whether it is a parent/child relationship, lovers, friends or whatever.  And it can affect other relationships, causing triangles, rectangles and other geometric forms of interconnected dysfunction.

And as we as human beings try to work through the reasons for certain relationship habits, we can evolve how we see the dysfunctions in those relationships.

Personally, as I work through the lessons involved in the dissolution of my marriage, I see that there are some reflections of other relationships – some of them foundational relationships (such as parents or siblings).

These songs I’m embedding in this post are, to a certain extent, examples of how my perspectives on my parents have changed over the years.

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