Look, if you are in a monogamous relationship and you connect to someone who is not your spouse, on more levels than just an intellectual spark, there’s something that needs to be looked at.
Obviously, as a polyamorous woman, I don’t believe in that star-struck “only One.” I believe in true love, don’t get me wrong. I just don’t believe in the whole idea that there is only one person in this entire world that is someone you can love and can love you.
But if it works for you, great!
I have numerous monogamous friends and family. In fact, my parents celebrated their 55th year of marriage this August. My role models for marriage and relationships has always been my monogamous parents. They’ve had their problems, their struggles – just like any other relationship. But, they’ve been committed to each other. They’ve worked through their issues.
If you are in a monogamous relationship, and your eyes and heart are “straying,” more often than not you are not getting your needs fulfilled. And I’m not just talking sex here, people. There are other needs in a relationship – needs that too many people ignore or don’t acknowledge.
There’s intimacy needs – those times when you feel unworthy, insecure and alone and need your significant other to be strong for you. And times when you need to be there for your SO. If your partner only takes comfort and being taken care of by you, but does not give you the same – that’s a problem. If your partner wants everything about you to change, or invalidates your emotional struggles and issues, but expects you to validate their own – there’s another problem.
As a polyamorous woman, I don’t expect any one man in my life to fulfill 100% of my needs. Why? Because they have lives too. They have needs I can’t fulfill either. It just doesn’t work that way for me.
But, watching the good monogamous relationships around me (and some of the not so good ones), it all comes down to TRYING. They try their hardest. They try to be there for each other. And yes, sometimes they turn to their friends to get certain needs fulfilled that their partner can’t.
An affair is an affair. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t “done anything.” If you trust in the person you are having the affair with more than you trust your partner, you’ve got some serious self-examination that you need to do. Why are you unwilling or unable to be emotionally vulnerable to your partner? If you can’t trust your partner, your relationship is firmly in the trouble zone.
You’ve got two choices there: a) deal with the issue in tandem with your partner – both of you doing the work to make the relationship better; or b) end the relationship.
If your partner won’t do their part, then your only option is B.