Monthly Archives: August 2015

Time To Clean Up Women’s Mess Too

As I recover from the situation with my ex, I become more accepting of seeing myself as a feminist.  It was very easy to allow myself to view the world through his eyes, and define things through his filters rather than my own.  Defining myself as a woman of strength, independence and power was fairly deeply set in my self-image – so I had blinded myself to the fact that I had allowed him to define me.

I will admit, my own view of the world that considered other women more of a threat to me than men, fit right in with many of his misogynistic notions.

It’s not that I can’t see the dangers of being a woman in our society, it’s that I have received more judgement, more bullying, more humiliation at the hands of women than I have at the hands of men. The humiliation at the hands of men came in only one aspect of my life – my romantic interactions with them.  And that comes down more to rejection issues than to any form of active humiliation (except for my ex, of course).

If we, as feminists, truly want to be judged as people, rather than as a life support system for tits and a vagina, then it is important that we stand up against the hypocrisy and bullying that our fellow women do as well!

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Categories: Gender Inequities, Mental Retraining | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Emotional Affair. Really?

via This Is What An Emotional Affair Is — And What It Isn’t

Look, if you are in a monogamous relationship and you connect to someone who is not your spouse, on more levels than just an intellectual spark, there’s something that needs to be looked at.

Obviously, as a polyamorous woman, I don’t believe in that star-struck “only One.”  I believe in true love, don’t get me wrong.  I just don’t believe in the whole idea that there is only one person in this entire world that is someone you can love and can love you.

But if it works for you, great!

I have numerous monogamous friends and family.  In fact, my parents celebrated their 55th year of marriage this August. My role models for marriage and relationships has always been my monogamous parents.  They’ve had their problems, their struggles – just like any other relationship.  But, they’ve been committed to each other.  They’ve worked through their issues.

If you are in a monogamous relationship, and your eyes and heart are “straying,” more often than not you are not getting your needs fulfilled.  And I’m not just talking sex here, people.  There are other needs in a relationship – needs that too many people ignore or don’t acknowledge.

There’s intimacy needs – those times when you feel unworthy, insecure and alone and need your significant other to be strong for you.  And times when you need to be there for your SO.  If your partner only takes comfort and being taken care of by you, but does not give you the same – that’s a problem.  If your partner wants everything about you to change, or invalidates your emotional struggles and issues, but expects you to validate their own – there’s another problem.

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Categories: Mental Retraining, Non-Monogamy | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Being Accepted vs. Being Acceptable

via Size Is Just a Number: What Society Doesn’t Understand About Skinny Shaming | Unwritten

There is this conviction out there in society that everything is only a matter of either/or.  If one group is acceptable, then other groups are not.  It’s high school cliques written on the larger stage.

We keep coming across this in every situation where there is a group advocating for acceptance and a greater voice in their own autonomy.  Trans people want to be allowed to be who they are. Women want to be who they are, without worrying if it will cost them their lives or their safety.  People of color want to be able to live their lives in peace and dignity.  And fat people just want to be accepted as human rather than as subhuman.

It does not take power away from someone else in order to give power to those who are powerless.  Power is not a finite resource.  But it does cause change.  It means that someone is no longer allowed to abuse someone else who is different.  It means that yes, you need to accept that the gay, African-American woman sitting next to you on the bus is just as important to the world as you are.

It doesn’t cost you power, it costs you the ability to abuse your power.  It costs you the ability to usurp power.  It costs you your ability to bully others.

What we are seeing now is not a matter of people wanting to steal power from others, it is people finally choosing to stand up and no longer support people who abuse their power. There are two quotes about this I’d like you to think about:

Washing one’s hands of the conflict between the powerful and the powerless means to side with the powerful, not to be neutral.

-Paulo Freire

Power without compassion is the worst kind of evil there is.

-E.J. Patten, Return to Exile

Those who stay quiet when someone else is bullied in front of them are complicit in the abuse of the victim.

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Categories: Body Positivity | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Doctors Suck

Not all doctors, but there is a greater percentage of them that suck than don’t. And sadly, one of the reasons why many of them suck is because of how they are taught.  The arrogance and superiority are encouraged by many of our medical schools.  There are reasons for it – such as actually having a compassionate relationship with patients can emotionally damage doctors – but it does not excuse doctors that either a) bully; or b) ignore symptoms that don’t fit in with their chosen diagnosis.

When you are what is considered “morbidly obese” (or even just technically obese), far too many doctors assume EVERY medical issue you have is related to your weight.  It’s not because they’ve done all the tests to see what is wrong with you, they just point to your weight and tell you “if you lose weight, you won’t have this problem.”

Oh, and the “eat less and exercise more” lecture gets put in there too inevitably.

It doesn’t matter what the doctor’s specialty is, EVERYTHING is blamed on your weight.  I’m not kidding when I say that.  When I was in my late teens, I went to over 20 OB/GYNs because I had severe menorrhagia. Of course, I didn’t know what it was, just that it was happening.

Only the last two doctors actually made any attempt to find out WHY I was having this issue. And that was ONLY because I brought in a 4 inch stack of paper detailing my symptoms and what diseases are likely given the combined symptoms.  In fact, with my own research, I was concerned that I perhaps had endometriosis – and I went into the last two doctors hoping to have that fear laid to rest (it was, eventually – I did NOT have that disorder).

I left the care of the first of those two because he attempted to get a biopsy sample while I was being examined, even though I had specifically refused that option.  I know my body, I know what hurts and what doesn’t.  For all that many doctors claim there are very few “nerve endings” in the vagina, or in the cervix, that’s not true for me.  I feel it when docs scrape around in there, and I certainly felt the cutting into my cervix.  I damned near kicked him.

I don’t care HOW much you think you are ‘better’ than me because you’re a doctor, you have NO right to do a procedure that has been refused.  I did not refuse to have things tested, just that particular way of testing.

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Betrayal is a Four Letter Word

I am the first one to admit that I have serious trust issues. It can take a lot to work through all the different aspects of learning to trust other people.

When you talk about trust in a psychological context, the person doing the trusting is relying on the actions, words and choices of the person they have chosen to trust. That person could be a parent, a friend, a romantic partner or any of a number of roles that others take in your life.

The relationship between two people – no matter what the relationship is – always involves a certain level of reliance that a person develops based on past actions, words and choices to extrapolate expected behavior in the future.

It does not matter if the trust issues are based on subjective reality or on objective reality. Either way, the person having the trust issues must find a way to come back from those problems. As someone who has trust issues, I am working very hard at learning to look at the root causes of those issues from an entirely different perspective.

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Categories: Mental Retraining | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Having Integrity versus Being “Right”

Everyone likes to think they are right. Sometimes, they are. However, sometimes they are not. Some people seem to try to make a career out of being right. They seem to ignore or deny the idea that their perspective may not match objective reality.

Alternatively, having integrity means being and acting internally consistent with their own personal values, beliefs and principles.

Sadly, there are far too many who have double standards (i.e. one set of rules for themselves, and a different set of rules for everyone else). This is the basis of the saying, ‘do what I say, not what I do.’ Simply put, this behavior is hypocrisy. Continue reading

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Parents Are People Too

I have always had an extremely tumultuous relationship with my father, and a somewhat challenging relationship with my mother. Don’t get me wrong, I love them both unconditionally. I know in my heart that they always tried to do the best they could for all of their children.

All children, at some point in their lives, finally realize that their parents are people too. It can be very difficult to accept that your parents have normal human weaknesses. But it is part of every human being’s developmental journey through life, to learn your parents are no different then you or your peers.

Some parents are abusive. Some parents are emotionally unavailable. And sometimes, parents aren’t always willing to admit to their children that they have human frailty.

In the case of my parents, in order to try to understand them as human beings, I have to start with looking at their own childhood experiences. And I’m sharing this publicly because I have a few posts in the queue that relate directly to my relationship with my father.  Any information I share about him is only to provide context – not to “expose” his frailty to the mass public.

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“Project Harpoon” – Are You Serious?

via Despicable Fat-Shaming Campaign Aims To Reveal People’s ‘#ThinnerBeauty’

There is no way that you can name a group ‘Project Harpoon’ and not be immediately labeled a hate group. This kind of bullshit, bullying behavior is just moving the street harassment and body-shaming online.

Now, I do agree that some fat-acceptance activists can do a certain amount of body-shaming towards those who are thinner and that is just as inappropriate as fat-shaming. No one should be shamed for whatever shape or size they are – no matter if they are large or small.

Body acceptance is NOT about glorifying obesity. Nor is it about ignoring health issues. What it is really about is teaching people to accept the body they were given by the Divine, even if it is outside of the ‘accepted cultural norm.’

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Oh, I’m a Jealous, Fat Bitch, Am I?

via Times Square Topless Lady Says Only ‘Ghetto Fat Women’ Are Offended

Yes, the person (I refuse to call her a “lady”) doesn’t ever actually say that, but it’s pretty much what is implied by her comments.

Look, I may be poor.  I may be fat.  But, sweet-cheeks, I’m NOT jealous of you.  And I’m not a “ghetto fat woman.”

Thank you SO MUCH for assuming that anyone different than you is some uptight, self-righteous idiot.  It’s JUST as bad as some idiot who walks up to me in the grocery store if I have the guts to grab something “unhealthy” and starts lecturing me on how I should have more respect for myself, and should “eat more healthily.”

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Body Issues Are Genderless

19 Men Go Shirtless And Share Their Body Image Struggles

Look, the reality is that more often than not both men and women have their own body image struggles. And it’s not just about wanting more muscles, it’s about wanting to be proud of the body they have.

My boyfriend admittedly has a small paunch. Because of this and a few other things, he believes that he is not very attractive.

Nothing I can say will change that, because it’s a self-image issue and he admits that. I have a similar self-image issue, and he struggles to understand why I cannot see myself as beautiful.

In fact, I have a lot of quite attractive male friends who consider themselves to be trolls, because they do not reflect the societially attractive standard.

It is exactly the same level of unfairness for men to be expected to conform to a single beauty standard as it is for women.

I will say it again and again if I have to. I will shout it from the rooftops if I have to. And I will challenge these so-called standards, until we can finally understand that beauty is not limited by size, shape, color, gender or what ever stupid niche  we want to  force someone into because we think they are  “different” or ugly or however else we have demonized them.

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