“OH, there you are!”

Just a Note:
For a lot of my life, music has held special meaning for me. Often, it is the best way for me to communicate to others some of the emotions and thoughts I have roiling through my brain. You can choose to watch the videos if you wish, or not – but they may help you to understand me better.

 

While I don’t have a cute, little boy sitting in front of me telling me this, I have found myself.

It’s not the person I “used to be” before I got married.  It’s not even the person I was “becoming” before I got married.  And it’s not the person I became after I got married.

In fact, one of the few things my ex accused me of that was actually true is that I was not the woman he originally married.

I’m a bit more broken, a bit more tired.  And, I’m not who I expected to be.

But, I am who I am.  And as of right at this moment, I’m pretty freaking proud of who I am at this very moment in time.

Who am I?

I’m a hell of a lot stronger than the woman I was when I was married.  I’m a metric fuckton stronger than the girl I used to be before I was married.

I’m not “trouble” because I want to destroy my ex, because I don’t.  He will destroy himself.  I’m not “trouble” because I’m an activist, even though I will stand up and stand tall against the bullies and abusers of the world.  I’m not “trouble” because I am “different.”

I am “trouble” because I will stand by MY conscience.  I am “trouble” because I stand by my intuition AND my logic.  I am “trouble” because I refuse to fulfill ANYONE’S expectations but my own.  I am “trouble” because I am NOT alone – I am supported by love, by friendship, by honesty, and by people who choose to stand on their OWN integrity.

There is NO human being in this world who has been able to change the world, end any abuse, end any destruction, all by their lonesome.  We are independent, but we are ALSO interdependent.  We must stand alone at times, but we are NOT alone.  I am stronger because I do not stand alone.

I, too, have been addicted.  I’ve been addicted to fear.  I’ve been addicted to avoiding risk, fearing change.  I’ve been addicted to a sick love that made me responsible for the actions and choices of others.

I choose to clip my wings, and leave them where they lie. The wings of the demon that I am NO LONGER.  If my choice is to fly in constant pain and misery, or walk in strength and power – I choose to walk.

I have new wings.  Wings grown from my integrity, grown from the love and support given to me by others who walk in integrity and strength.  I choose them, not the ones twisted and destroyed by my pride and arrogance.

THAT is who I am.  And what, is what that little boy’s words mean to me.

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Categories: General Contemplation | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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