Never Again

Yeah, there is still some pain.  Still some crap coming up.  I’ve been kind of denying it to myself.  I’ve been feeling like crap for the last couple of days.  Exhausted. Angry. Resentful.  And I’ve blamed it on simply being tired, and sick of being broke.  I mean, it couldn’t be related to dealing with my emotions in regards to my ex-husband.  It just couldn’t.  It’s been a year.  And the divorce is final.  So, that means I can put him behind me, right?

There’s a lot about Kelly Clarkson’s songs that have spoken to me over the past year.  Some as supportive, some as speaking to the pain and anger.  I have to change the wording slightly for it to fit my situation, since I was the one that left rather than him.

But this is the first time I’ve come across this particular one.

One of the problems with living with and loving a person who not only has a mental illness, but is also abusive, is that so often you end up blaming yourself for the difficulties in your life.  You end up wondering if YOU aren’t going crazy.  You wonder if you just worked a little bit harder, then things would completely turn around and everything would be OK.  You hope, you pray, you fight for just one little sign that everything will be OK.

And when the person is narcissistic on top of it, you fall again and again for the charm and the promises.  You know better, but you still fall for it.

And when you choose to stop falling for it, stop believing it, it becomes your fault.  You become the “evil” one.  And you become the one at fault for everything bad in their lives.  And any others who believe their lies look at you with that same hate, with that same blaming you for everything wrong in their lives.

I spent 20 years with this man.  I promised him the world.  I promised him my love and support.  I gave him my duty, my faith, my loyalty. And I protected him.  I protected him from the consequences of his choices for 20 years.  And he still has people protecting him from the consequences of those choices.

But I’m the bad one.  I’m the evil one for not continuing to protect him.

I spent the time during his “testimony” at the divorce hearing with my eyes closed, trying to keep myself in control.  He was only on the phone, and I still had anxiety running through my veins.  I still had fear shaking me.  I was still convinced that because of his charm, the commissioner would treat me like the bad one.  Well, she did – but she treated both of us like that.  Mostly because I got the impression she basically thought we were both being childish.  And I am OK with some strange woman thinking I’m childish, as long as she grants the divorce – which she did.

So, now that I am officially single again, why is it I need to think about him again?

Oh, yeah.  Because I am a human being.  And it’s only been a year since my world completely blew up.

The one thing I am proud of in all of this is that I am able to look at other men and not immediately assume that they are the same kind of person as he is.  That I am able to assess potential relationships without automatically assuming the man is a narcissistic, abusive prick.

Do I still react badly to situations that seem to mirror experiences I had with him?  Of course.  But, I’m proud that I am able to step back and look at it more objectively.

But, as Kelly is singing – Never Again.  I will not ever allow myself to be in that kind of relationship ever again.

Categories: General Contemplation | Tags: , , , , , , | Leave a comment

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